


Ignite 5

by reilgun



Series: Fade [5]
Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Child Abuse, Eating Disorders, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Trans Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23581384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reilgun/pseuds/reilgun
Series: Fade [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514456
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Ignite 5.0 - Cast List

**Ascendants:** Your new gods. Coming soon enough. (longer than you think)

 **Ashley:** She had a line!! She had a line!!! She helped out with PRT shit!! :D

 **Beth:** Quiet bully.. friend?

 **Blare:** Protectorate Tinker who makes sound-based equipment. A nice friendly lad.

 **Boomer:** Rave enthusiast. Doesn’t have powers. He’s ok.

 **Boon/Andy Sinzel:** Tinker, tentative leader of the Wards. His tech speeds up natural regeneration and provides steroid effects for physical and cognitive abilities, but comes with a downside.

 **Breaker:** Stranger of the Mixup Marshals. Appears to be a clone of whoever is looking at them. Very short, not a child.

 **Changer:** Mover of the Mixup Marshals. He’s got no limit on his speed, but can only go fast when touching living organic material. Turns out most organic material burns up if you go too fast.

 **Chimera:** Mini-Eidolon, oh god. This guy is an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a what the fuck wrapped in a WHY IS HE SO STRONG??

 **Conciliator:** Tinker who can disable/revert the effects of powers. Very expensive.

 **David Walker:** Counselor from hell, needs to be taken down.

 **Failsafe:** Red Iron guy who can’t have powers used on him or on things/people in a small radius around him.

 **Flicker:** Protectorate guy who can manipulate light with his power. Needs a foot massage.

 **Forecast:** Leader of the Seekers. Spoilers: He’s not a Case 53, he just works with them. Hmm.

 **Forge:** Red Iron Tinker who makes turrets and numbing guns. A real nice bud pal friend of Iron Willy.

 **Fumer:** A member the Seekers. Please don’t make fart jokes about him.

 **Hush:** The leader of a group mostly called ‘Monsters’. Oh boy.

 **Iron Willy/Fiora:** Leader of the Red Iron, secretly a sweetheart. #FioraDidNothingWrong

 **Jaunt:** Member of the Wards. Spends a minute as a big monster. Nice Guy but not the villain.

 **Kid Napper:** A member the Seekers. Has a big pillowy tumor on the side of his head. When he sleeps, astrally projects into people and senses everything they sense. Can influence them similarly to one’s subconscious. He’s like fourteen.

 **Legion/Flock/Whatever the fuck else:** Self cloner who has no other powers.

 **Magister:** A temporary Red Iron cape, now scrapped. Can temporarily create ‘black holes.’ A dumbass.

 **Meteor Maid/Marie:** Radar’s future wife.. unless..?

 **Marionettist:** Member of the Wards. Controls arms with his arms, has to have line of sight and slowly loses control as it’s lost. Still the best boy.

 **Marissa:** Stupid bully.. friend?

 **Master:** Thinker leader of the Mixup Marshals, now disbanded. A real bad man, and not just because of his awful taste in outfits. Able to find the creative limits of people’s powers, as well as sensing those with powers from a relative distance.

 **Mixup Marshals:** No longer an organization of villains.

 **Mortar:** Gamer girl Wards member. She’s a human cannonball who can stick to walls, and she takes less damage the faster she’s moving. Wow some of the Wards really haven’t talked much.

 **Mr. Green:** Riley’s dad. He’s a doctor and actually supportive, whoa! A real stand up dude.

 **Mr. Kelly:** Quinn’s dad. The worst. Bad.

 **Mr. Larson:** Social Studies teacher. A little bitch.

 **Mrs. Foster:** Cape Studies teacher. Has an annoying voice.

 **Mrs. Green:** Riley’s mom. :\

 **Ms. Holly:** Language Arts teacher. Teaches Language Arts.

 **Ms. Kelly:** Quinn’s mom. Does all of the drugs. 

**Partition/Eddie:** Co-Leader of the Wards, no matter what anyone says. Invulnerable to any damage he can perceive ahead of time, with faster reaction speed. He’s gay, I like him.

 **Precursor:** Mysterious girl who can teleport and writes creepy letters to be proofread by her creepy boyfriend. God. God God God., Your r...... god.,.

 **Pythia:** Protectorate precog Labyrinth. I love her so much, this poor girl.

 **Quinn Kelly:** Somehow the _least_ likely to do villainly things out of the two perspective characters. Like, fucking what?

 **Radar/Carl:** Blind Protectorate member who relies on his power to see. He also has a lie detector times 100 and can fly. Less of a dick than he used to be, but still a huge dick. Maybe he’ll be even less of a dick if his gf dies. That’s how people work, right?

 **Red Iron:** A ruthless/merciful organization of villains/vigilantes who murder the weak/destroy the evil. Oh no.

 **Riley Green/Shift:** Local girl experiences a kidnapping - might be evil. More at 8.

 **Rue/Barb:** She’s a Wards member who hurts people by hurting herself, and she’s got a zipper mouth on her costume. She’s great, I love her. Maybe some day she will be happy with Quinn. Maybe some day Quinn will stop being a bitch.

 **Sandra:** The only bully worth her shit, no more? With all the shit that’s been happening with Riley, I bet you almost forgot about this, huh? Jesus, this girl is gonna grow up to have ISSUES.

 **Shaker:** Brute of the Mixup Marshals. To quote my personal character list: “She can kick things so hard. So fucking hard. God damn.”

 **Seekers:** A group of Case 53s. New in town.

 **Specter Shy:** Ward member, can only be seen when being directly looked at. Those who don’t know she’s around experience malfunctions in their powers. Not transphobic anymore! She had one conversation and now she’s cured of all of it!!

 **Sprawler:** Some Protectorate member, she’ll show up some day probably. Maybe.

 **Striker:** Blaster of the Mixup Marshals. Shoots bright lasers. Might yet have a hopeful future.

 **Stroke:** Red Iron. Able to remove someone’s ability to communicate for around a day when she witnesses them doing that.

 **Sudsmission:** Protectorate dork who can trap people inside of bubbles. Fucking bubbles.

 **Trojan:** Protectorate member. Can become intangible until he goes through someone, then he controls them. To go intangible again, he has to give up control.

 **Trump:** Tinker of the Mixup Marshals. She makes very small copies of other Tinker tech.

 **Vincent Bugayong/Quaver:** Member of the Wards. His ability to warp space is linked to his voice, and ignores the Manton effect. Rifts created fade over time. Has less control the louder he goes. A good boy.

 **Zenith:** One of the two members of the Ascendants. God complex. I wonder what power he has to back it up?


	2. Ignite 5.1

“I don’t care.”

“Well, I do.”

“Well I fucking don’t!”

“Quinn,” the psychiatrist said, “just because the world is falling apart, doesn’t mean you can ignore basic maintenance.” I threw my head back and groaned for a century or two.

“You know, I wanted to work with a  _ woman. _ Someone who might have a chance to understand what I’m going through.”

“Men can be anorexic too, you know.”

“Of course I know that you fucking dumbnuts, shut up, that’s not what I’m talking about.” The man exhaled, but stayed silent.  _ Thank fuck. _ I pulled myself back up into a relatively normal sitting position, propped up against the arm of the couch. “If you were  _ listening _ you’d know this isn’t even about that. I don’t give a shit about that right now. I’ve been eating enough to live, and that’s good enough right now.”

“Survive, maybe, but are you really  _ living?” _

“Fucking-” Containing a scream had never been so hard. “You fucking idiot, that doesn’t matter. I am not  _ meant _ to ‘live’ right now, I have to-” Rather than continue talking, I just stopped trying to hold back the yelling. I couldn’t talk about Riley, so making aggressive and frustrated sounds was going to be about as effective at conveying anything of importance as any lie I could tell.

This fucker was keeping me away from my searching. I needed to find her, I  _ had _ to. Barb still wasn’t talking to me, and Vincent didn’t seem comfortable talking about the kidnapping when he’d almost gone through the same thing. I was completely alone, except for some stupid shrink.

“Can you just leave? I have things I need to do, and you’re holding me back. We can start this whole thing as soon as I get shit sorted out, but right now is  _ really _ not the time for this happy-feely fucking kid shit.”

“I can’t leave until-”

“Let me put it this way: You are in my way, and if you don’t get out of my house right now, I will fucking end you.” He stared at me for a few moments, blinking. After a short while, he pushed the plate towards me.

“Eat the sandwich, at the very least.” As much as I wanted to deny him for the principle of the thing, if it was enough to get him to go then I was willing to swallow my pride. Picking it up and taking a massive bite, I swallowed a lot more than just my pride. Each portion of it was hell, polluting my body, but I forced it down in five huge chunks. It was the first real food I’d eaten since the day before, so I’d live.

“Now leave.”

“Mm..” He looked me over, then sighed as he stood up. “Fine. I’ll be back in two days.”

“Okay, just go! God damn.” After a frustratingly long amount of time of him collecting his things, he left. The instant the door closed, I locked it, bolted to Riley’s room, and opened my laptop back up. Within minutes I was back into the rhythm, skimming dozens of threads as quickly as I could, while also going through the events of the last two days for the fourth time to make sure I wasn’t missing anything important.

The day before was little more than an idiotic series of mistakes. Some stupid bitch - me - thought it’d be a good idea to work on weening myself off of David’s power right before a god damn  _ crisis  _ began _ ,  _ but I thankfully convinced myself to give up on that until things were resolved, forcing a meetup earlier today after the classes I didn’t attend. The Sandra issue had also been put on hold for the time being, despite it probably being a time sensitive thing. Riley was more important.

_ What else?  _ Meteor Maid was reported to have survived a significant barrage of Forge tech, fully recovering after some relatively minor medical attention. Riley had almost certainly fallen victim to that tech - was she getting the help she needed? I’d already run this line of thinking to the ground, with the only reasonable conclusion being that  _ no, _ she was  _ not _ dead.

_ Chimera. _ Decidedly  _ not _ working with the Red Iron as a secret agent, but certainly curious. Radar refused to say much to the public, but we knew that Riley had chased after Chimera at some point, and then never showed back up. They didn’t see her with him at all during the rest of the fight, though, so the idea that he might have taken her was fairly unreasonable.

As I was going through everything, I found something out of place from yesterday.  _ Who the fuck are the ‘Seekers’? _ It was rare for there to be a villain group that I wasn’t familiar with anywhere near Remure, so seeing them when I was filtering  _ exclusively _ Red Iron results was a bit shocking. I went in and read a bit slower to make sure nothing slipped through the cracks.

_ ‘Group of villains known as the Seekers MIA for the better half a year, spotted 11/11/07 in Remure City.’ _

_ ‘First the ward, now this? talk about a bad omen’ _

_ ‘you think they might be here  _ because _ of the Red Iron stuff?’ _

_ ‘last they were spotted was ages ago across the country, you really think they were close enough by to show up a day after this shit? no way they’re working together, get real’ _

All of the comments after that point spiralled rapidly into stupid bullshit. Normally I could ignore that sort of thing, but the fact that these fucking  _ jackasses _ were tossing out the most idiotic theories - or worse,  _ jokes _ \- about my best friend.. I closed out and searched for results related to the team. On the off chance they really  _ were _ trying to find Riley, I had to do something.

Most everything that popped up was from months ago. The Seekers were some weather controller and a bunch of Case 53s who were trying to figure out what was up with that whole thing. There didn’t seem to be anything to suggest that they would be working with or against the Red Iron. Out of all the results, there was only one other thread that had happened since Riley’s disappearance.

_ ‘ _ **_Fight Club Debate:_ ** _ Seekers vs Remure. Which teams can take these guys on in an all out battle?’ _

Warm tears dripped onto my hand, bringing attention to just how tightly my teeth were clenched and the searing pain in my head. I took the charging cable out of my laptop, threw it onto the bed, and slammed my fists onto Riley’s desk until the pain in my hands matched what I felt inside. Despite my efforts, I didn’t even do any damage to the wood.

_ It should’ve been me. _ Even as I thought that, I knew that I held that sentiment more because I still had my power complex than because I knew I could handle whatever was happening better than her. I screamed. I screamed and screamed and cried and screamed and kicked and punched and cried. And then I laughed, and cried some more, and then a bit of both.

And then, despite how awful everything was, I got dressed for jogging. That was one part of my routine I wasn’t willing to give up, and it didn’t hurt that it let me do some searching of my own.  _ Hah, the neighbors probably think someone was just killed. _ I immediately regretted the thought, because it brought me back to the idea of Riley being dead.  _ She isn’t. I know she isn’t, I’ve checked it, there’s no fucking way she is. _

Some things, though, were worse than death. With how horrible the Red Iron were, could I really be satisfied with the knowledge that she wasn’t dead? What kind of torture were they putting her through? There was no use in dwelling on it; I was doing the best I could and focusing on those possibilities wasn’t going to get her back any sooner. If anything, it’d make it harder for me to do what I was doing.

So I jogged. And I stomped my problems away, sort of, but they came back over and over again as I tried my hardest to see if I could find any sign of her or the Red Iron. Escapism wasn’t particularly viable when you paired it with hyper-fixating on the problem you were aiming to escape. It didn’t really make it  _ worse, _ but it still made the whole thing a bit of a waste outside of the exercise. That said, I needed the exercise, so it was still worth it.

After passing the third Protectorate/Ward search duo in maybe as much as ten minutes, I decided to cut my jog early and go talk to them about what was going on. I had a right to know and help out, and the two - Marionettist and Sprawler - seemed like decent enough people from what I’d heard of them and seen on TV. Moving my jog into a short distance sprint, I ran over to the two of them.

“Halt!” Sprawler yelled, making me realize how stupid it was to just full on run at people with superpowers who don’t know who you are. I complied, and held my hands up in front of me, which immediately resulted in them being forced down to my sides.  _ Of course they’d assume I’m some kind of Blaster. _

“Whoa whoa whoa, hey, I’m not a threat-”

“Take two steps back and explain yourself.” I moved back with some of the longest steps I’d ever taken, just to be certain I wouldn’t get yelled at.

“Okay, I was just going for a jog, looking for-” I paused to look around and make sure no one was close by. Despite that being the case, I still spoke a bit under my breath just in case. “Riley, my best friend.”

“Oh,” Marion said, “Quinn, right?” My cold dead heart warmed up a little bit at the confirmation that Riley had talked about me enough for at least some of the Wards to recognize my name.

“Yeah, Quinn Kelly.” He looked to Sprawler and she looked back. He shrugged, and I realized my arms didn’t follow along.

“Ah, thanks.” I rolled my shoulders back, readjusting myself to it. Riley had absolutely hated the feeling, but it was kind of forgettable for me.  _ I’ve experienced worse, I guess. _ “God, yeah, sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Been a long couple days.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Sprawler spoke up, “but you should know you can’t do what you just did in the future. Hell, especially not with anyone you know personally, okay? Easiest way to out someone.”

“Yeah, I understand, I’m not..” I sighed. “This isn’t my normal behavior. Things are really fucked right now, as you know, and.. I guess, can I help?” Marion gave me a sympathetic look before Sprawler even had a chance to respond.

“No can do, sorry.” She frowned, and it seemed genuine enough.  _ Better than Radar, at least.  _ “I won’t tell you not to go looking, since I think you wouldn’t listen if I tried, but be careful. If you find anything, call it in. Don’t be a hero, okay?”  _ She got taken for being a hero, I’m supposed to be a hero, I’m- _

“Okay.” No use in blaming Sprawler or Riley for this, not getting myself even more worked out. “Okay, thanks, I’ll just.. Yeah, I’ll just go.” I turned around and walked off before they could say anything else. There wasn’t even much they could say that wouldn’t just upset me more.

_ Nobody ever lets me do shit. _ My feelings this time weren’t as forceful as they usually were when I was feeling like trash about being underestimated, but they were definitely more  _ raw. _ Everything was raw, at present. At least I wasn’t crying anymore.

_ What if I find her and people realize I’m invaluable? Prove Radar wrong, make him seem like an idiot for- No, no! Shut the fuck up and stop being a vapid shitbag. Your fucking friend is missing and we’re nearing what the police call the ‘there is basically no chance your friend is not totally fucked zone’ soon. Fuck, maybe it’s already been a full two days? Why didn’t I bring my phone with me? God damn it. _

_ Fucking hell, what are they doing to her? I can’t keep going over this in my head over and over and over and over again but isn’t it fair to do it a  _ little bit? _ Isn’t anything less than  _ some _ amount of worrying the sign of like- I don’t know, a fucking sociopath? Am I a fucking sociopath? Worrying about her but more about me, about what the fuck happens to me if she’s gone rather than what the fuck is happening with her? Fearing not that she’ll be irreparably damaged but that that damage might result in her hating me somehow? _

I took a deep breath, fighting back the tears whose absence I’d just patted myself on the back about, ignoring what felt like thousands of eyes on me.  _ She’s fine, she’s got to be fine. I’m fine and I’m looking and I’ll find her, and she’ll be okay and I’m doing my best, right? I’m doing my best? I’m giving up food and sleep and school and everything for her, and that has to be enough, right? What else could I possibly lose? If she’s gone, what do I.. _

_ Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe. I’m fine. I’m fine. It’s fine. It’ll all work out, it’ll all be worth it and she’ll be safe, and this won’t happen again. She’ll be more careful, she’ll- What if she doesn’t want to be a hero anymore? Could I blame her? What if she doesn’t want to use her  _ power _ anymore? _

_ It should’ve been me. On every level, it should’ve been me. I should be the Ward, I should be the one getting fucked over for my stupid decisions, I should be the one with powers. It’s fucking bullshit, she doesn’t  _ deserve _ this. _ Once again, I hated that I didn’t mean she shouldn’t have to deal with what she was going through.  _ Of course that too, but.. Ugh. Piece of shit. _

A deep sigh escaped me again, which I supposed was slightly better than crying. My time was better spent searching than dwelling on the same few things over and over again. I just had to search for her, and study, and.. I’d find her. I had to - I  _ had  _ to find her. Soon.

* * *

_ Four days. _ Four days of work and we had nothing. Any hope I had earlier was being brutally and systematically destroyed. Thoughts of what the fuck I was going to do if she was gone had dared to cross my mind a few times, which only spurred me to work harder. Nothing but desperation existed within me at this point; more pure drive than human as my options grew fewer and fewer with each day.

Her dad wasn’t faring much better. Who could blame us? I couldn’t sleep. Even if I’d tried I probably wouldn’t have been able to with how many nightmares I was having recently. Eight hours of sleep was good enough normally, so spreading that out over four days had to be somewhat reasonable for an emergency like this. It had to be; I didn’t have any other options.

Still, the toll it was taking on me was significant to a degree that I couldn’t ignore it. Even with David’s help, which was starting to slip, shadows were constantly creeping in the corners of the room. Beyond that, I felt like I hadn’t seen another person in ages, despite regularly scanning the city. Faces blended together, voices buzzed on and on but didn’t  _ mean _ anything.

On more than a few occasions, I thought I might’ve been hit by Stroke. That’d be preferable to the reality, since it’d mean she was nearby and I could chase her down and destroy her fucking-  _ Breathe. _ Reality loved to work against me, so it didn’t come as a surprise that I wasn’t given the opportunity to avenge her yet. But soon. Soon I’d find a way to force it. I was so close, I had to be  _ so close. _

The last remaining scraps of possibilities I could do were..  _ Fuck, what was it? Can’t let it slip, need to.. need to focus, need to do this, need-  _ I blinked a few times and found myself again.  _ Once I’m done searching through the last few hours’ forum results, I can head out and- Fuck, no, it’s all just the same over and over again, it’s just the same thing and it never works, we’re just birds in a fucking skinner box, fuck. Fuck. Fuck! _

_ Can’t be insignificant. Need to fix this, I can fix this. I’m better than this, some villain’s toy- hah, not even that, a fucking.. a, like Lovecraft, like Cthulhu, we’re just nothing to them, afterthoughts, or.. afterafterafterafterthoughts. Beyond that, just.. nothing, nothing. _

_ But I’m better than that. I’m not to be forgotten, I’m not to be written off. Failsafe ruins most capes, but I’m not a cape, I’m raw, I’m  _ better _ than him. And.. and Stroke, I’m alone, I’m alone and she can’t hurt me. And Magister’s locked up. And Forge, hah, would he even.. would it even work on me? I’m so numb, it’s all so fucking numb already, could he really do anything to me? As if. _

_ Iron Willy, then. The unknown, the only thing that could stop me, and.. fuck that, no, I’m an unknown. I’m an unknown, his- their whole thing, they’re so above me? I sneak in, I’m invisible to someone as big as him. And on top of that, I’m driven. I’m driven for Riley, I’m strong for her, I’m determined, I’m- I’m fucking unstoppable. I’m the only one who can do this. It has to be me. _

_ Today’s the day. Enough fucking around, today’s the day. This has gone on long enough, it’s over now, we’re- I’m ending it now. I’m going to- I’m..  _ I was so fucking tired.  _ Guhh, I.. I’ll rest when it’s done, I can sleep when she’s back I’m  _ getting _ her today, I’m- here, I’ll just finish this up and then walking around will wake me up and- _

_ ‘Seekers leader Forecast spotted on 5th with a small rainstorm following overhead’ _

It had been posted only a few minutes ago. Without a second thought, I grabbed my coat and bolted out of the house. I hadn’t even bothered to take off my shoes, in case this exact thing happened.  _ Six blocks? Just six blocks, he’ll- I can talk to him, he can help, I can- No, four blocks, I’m at Riley’s. It’s four blocks, just four blocks, I think. Please. _

Dashing through the street, past people, I could see it. The fog - the small collection of clouds so far below the skyline, raining down with intensity that would normally be a bit much for a  _ city, _ let alone a person.

The closer I got, though, the more the illusion gave way to its supernatural reality. The water moved around him, not daring to even graze his skin, and the instant it hit the ground it began evaporating back up to reform the highly-condensed clouds. What’s more, everywhere he looked had a sizeable window for which to see out of. It was a shield designed to keep people out and nothing more. I didn’t want to imagine how powerful he must have been if this was just for the purpose of being a bit of an introvert.

Getting closer to the man than anyone else around me seemed willing to, I came to a stop just before going into his storm. The man had stopped as well, looking at me. Even being so close, there wasn’t so much as a  _ mist _ getting onto me. The noise, however, was deafening - endlessly torrenting waves upon waves crashing against my eardrums.

“You!” I shouted.  _ ‘You’? I know you’re out of it, but step the fuck up. Only got one shot at this. _ “I need to talk!” He blinked at me, and a moment later the onslaught of sound lessened to a manageable volume as the rain turned into something just a little bit harsher than a drizzle.

“This better not be a waste of my time.” Like everyone else, he was looking down at me. Even without knowing I didn’t have powers, he already thought so little of me. I was just a roadblock to him.

“Well fucking believe me, I’m sure hoping it’s not a waste of mine.” A nervous laugh forced its way out of me. “You- hah, you.. Why are you here?” No response. “No, no, fucking answer me- I-  _ Why. _ Right when R- when Shift, the Ward, when she goes missing. Why? Why are you here now? You’ve got like a- you’ve got a  _ truce _ with the heroes right now while this goes on, aren’t you- don’t, guh-” I could barely even get my words out, and those that made the trip were coming out  _ incorrectly. _ “Are you looking for Shift?”

He stared at me, this pathetic whelp of a girl, and breathed in.

“You clearly know enough already, I’m not going to-”

“No!” I took a step forward, inches away from the rain. The pace picked up the tiniest bit - a threat. “No, don’t you fucking dare, I-” A heavy gust came and launched me to the side before the rain really began to speed up. He strode along, hands in his pockets, away from me like I’d never even existed. Maybe my best chance at doing something, gone.

_ Fuck that. _ I pulled up the hood on my coat and sprinted at Forecast. The ground he left behind wasn’t wet, so I just had to hope that stayed true for the ground inside his field. Breaking the barrier, I became surrounded by the veritable ocean. It would’ve taken everything to get me to back off, and he’d only just missed the mark. My sprint turned into a trudge and then a dog-like crawl as I got closer to the middle, being repeatedly pushed further and further down.

“You’re a fucking asshole!” Screaming, I forced my way through the last layer of his field and entered the little safety pocket. Immediately after, the rain disappeared, and the clouds went along with it. My relief came out in a small exhale, but then another gust knocked the rest of the wind out of me and pushed me over onto my ass.

“You’re annoying.”

“Yeah?” I yelled, sending hatred from my eyes to his as he looked down on me. “You’re a fucking bitch!”

“Am I now?”

“Yeah!” I stretched out my right arm as I moved to stand back up, sharp pain shooting through my shoulder. Before I could groan or stand up to face the bastard, he knocked me back down with yet another gust of wind. “Fuck you,” I growled.

“I’d rather not give you the chance to force my hand.” I probably should’ve been more respectful of someone with the firepower and the will to kill me or otherwise wreck my entire shit, but he had to know even better than I did that if he attacked me he’d lose his truce. Still, I decided to stay seated at the very least, because I’d ended up more than a little sore.

“Fine, then I’ll yell at you from down here, I don’t fucking care! You’re a selfish little shit, and you’re fucking stupid and probably couldn’t even help me if you tried, could you? You’re just embarrassed because you’re so fucking useless. Weather? Fucking-  _ Rain _ and shit? Who the fuck cares?” Half expecting some kind of grand display of power, I braced myself for anything up to a barrage of hail. None came.

“You were determined enough to break through a monsoon, just to spew petty insults? How  _ low _ can a person get?” The level of disgust that radiated down at me from him was-  _ Oh god, what am I doing? No, no, I need him! _ My sleep-deprived mood shift brought me to desperate tears in an instant.

“Fuck, okay, just, I need your help, please. She’s my best friend and I need to find her, it’s been four days and I’ve tried anything, you’re all I have left and I need you to just give a single fucking shit,  _ please. _ If not for me then for the fucking girl, she’s- she could be fucking  _ dead, _ or dying and..” I trailed off into a sobbing mess, curling up on the sidewalk. There was nothing more I could say. If that wasn’t enough, I was a failure. She could be gone from me forever.

“Her best friend?” He considered what I said for a moment, or I may have just been too busy crying to discern something said in the interim. “Interesting.”

“So you-” I choked on my words. Vomit nearly came up, but I kept it down. I calmed myself enough to say something short. “You’ll help? Can I help?”

“I already was, and no. You would only get in my way, as you already have, and it’s clear that you should not be in public at the moment. Go home, kid.”

Before I could get anything else out between sobs, he was gone. He left me, soaking the ground with my own rain. My own little superpower: to be a psychotic, emotionally unstable freak of a girl.  _ And I probably just stopped a trigger by thinking that, huh?  _ Laughs flew into the empty space in between my cries, solidifying the image and only increasing how tragically hilarious my situation was.  _ Rock bottom and I’m still digging. Still just digging. _

* * *

_ There’s nothing I can do anymore. There never  _ was _ anything I could do. I’m a stupid, delusional, worthless piece of shit, and when it comes down to it I’ve got no one. Not a fucking person who I can call a real friend. Riley’s dead, Barb hates me, Vincent’s certainly done with me after having so long to think about who I am without my interference. Who I really am, what kind of a fucking bitch I really am: the pathetic, powerless freak who can’t accept her fucking place in the world. _

_ All I can do is wait. I just have to wait for the people who actually matter to save her, if she’s even alive. And she’s probably not, hah, I’m.. I’m just waiting around like a fucking asshole while my best friend’s dead or dying. So fucking pathetic. So stupid. I deserve to wither away. I deserve to die, I should be the one to die, it should’ve been me.. It should’ve been me.. It should have been me. _

My phone rang, and despite how defeated I was, I answered it as quickly as possible. I almost didn’t believe what I heard on the other end. It was surely just another cruel trick from my deteriorating mind, right? Something to get my hopes up, something to make the reality of the situation hurt just a little bit more. I hung up, not willing to play along. It was too much, I couldn’t keep going through the motions.

If I let myself feel anything, if I let anything in, I would be destroyed. Underneath my emptiness was hunger and pain and misery and who knew what else. My life was over, it was ending - I just wasn’t willing to pull the plug. That off chance, that.. that something. Despite my desire to do as much of the opposite as I could, I was still holding onto that something. The thought that I might never give it up, that I could go on as this husk with nothing but that possibility keeping me going, was almost more horrifying than everything else going on.

Was I really just going to let myself rot here, on Riley’s bed? Was it really all I could see to do to just stay put and suffer and roll around in my own insignificance?  _ I mean, yeah? What the fuck else can I do? Are you really going to try to convince me again that there’s a single god damn thing I can do to help? I’ve tried everything. _

_ Even with all this, I still checked the forums earlier and, of course, found nothing. I’m useless, it’s not even.. It doesn’t even have to be a big deal, I’m just.. not as good as everyone else. I never was; it’s always been in my head. I’m just some normal, stupid high school girl who.. I don’t know. I’m just normal. Average. Most people are, by definition. And I’ll probably never be anything more than that. _

No matter how calm I felt, tears were still streaming down my face. It was kind of funny that it was only in the moment where I was least panicked that I could actually cry at this point. Everything else was too overwhelming for my brain to even come up with a reaction, I guessed.  _ Or maybe it’s just normal. Just like everyone else. Not a god, not a hero, just.. some girl. Such a tired, awful girl. So tired.. _

“Holy shit,  _ Quinn?”  _ My eyes blinked open, desperation returning to me with an intense rush.

“Riley?” Practically begging the question, I confirmed it with my eyes before she could respond with words. It was her,  _ oh god it was her. _ “Oh god, Riley-” I scrambled off of the bed and to my feet. She looked like the last few days had never even happened - pristine and untouched. “You’re safe, oh my god..” I placed my hand on her chest, marveling at the fact that it was here, so close to me.

“Why are you still here?”

“Huh?”

“I said..” I looked up to see her haunted, disapproving glare, staring into and through my soul, piercing my heart with vile and hatred. “Why are you still here?” Taking a step back, I tripped on something, onto the bed. She stepped forward, closing the gap.

“Riley, I-”

“Why..” She leaned over me. “Are you..” I was trapped, trapped on this bed, stuck and as good as dead. Nothing - there was nothing I could do, I was going to lose everything and there was nothing that could stop it, I was going to-

“Here.” My eyes blinked open - my heart raced. “Have a seat. Can I get you anything?” It was Mr. Green, in the other room. _I nodded off?_ _What’s-_

“Thanks, Dad, I’m.. I’m okay.”  _ Riley? Is this.. real? _ The sweat staining my clothes and the sheets suggested that might be the case.  _ Just like when I first found out about David, hah.. _ “Where’s Quinn?”

“Ah, I think she’s still in your room, sleeping. She’s been taking it pretty poorly.”

“Gotcha. I’ll leave her be for now, then..”  _ Haven’t I done this before? This is- is this a memory? I’m so tired, I’m so.. _

“You sure you aren’t hungry?”

“No, they..” She took a long time to collect her thoughts, or something like that. I couldn’t really tell. “They fed me well.”

“Well I hope you don’t prefer their cooking over mine!” He laughed awkwardly, made even more uncomfortable by how loudly he’d declared his joke. Then he said something I couldn’t make out.

“No one can beat your cooking, Dad.”

“That’s not even close to true, but I appreciate the lie.” After another long, awkward pause, he spoke in a voice just barely able for me to hear. “I love you, Riley. I’m so glad you’re back here and.. And safe.”

“Yeah, I.. I love you too, I’m glad too.” Silence followed once more.  _ I should get up. I should get up and go say something. A bad dream can’t keep me here, I’m.. she’s here, she’s here and it’s.. Please don’t be a dream. Isn’t there a way to check?  _ After a few moments, I recalled two methods. The first was to try to push my fingers through my hand, which failed. Just to be sure, I tried the second method as well, clamping my fingers over my nose and trying to breathe out of it. I couldn’t.  _ This is real. Or at least not a dream.  _ I needed to see her with my own eyes.

Excruciatingly slowly, I crept out of bed. My body was working against me here, but I’d severely neglected it the past couple days, so it was probably justified in being a bit pissed off at me.  _ If it’s her I can eat again. Oh god, please don’t be a hallucination. _ Stumbling over to the door, I grasped the knob and turned. There was an intended haste to my actions that clashed with my physical limitations and the hesitation I was feeling. If she wasn’t real, I wasn’t sure what I’d do.

Whispers called out from the other side, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. They got closer and closer, and all I could do was keep turning. Once I couldn’t anymore, I pulled, and I was met with-

“Riley,” I gasped out.

“Quinn, oh my god.” Her expression shifted to concern in an instant. “Are you okay? I-”

“Are you real?” The concern on her face only increased. “I.. That’s stupid, but please just answer me. If I hug you are you going to disappear?”

“I- Of course I’m real, Quinn. Here, just-” She cut my worrying off with the best hug of my entire life. Everything was okay. Everything was going to be okay. Her familiar grip around me was..

“Oh god, Riley, I thought you were dead, I-” All of the tension of the past few days exploded out in tears. Some of them were from the relief, but many of them were ones of misery that hadn’t had the chance to come out. I squeezed her so tight - I didn’t want to let go. I was  _ okay. _ She was here and it was all going to be okay again.

On her direction, we sunk down to the ground. Mr. Green was probably watching, but I didn’t care; I held on as hard as I could. Sitting there, on the ground, we held each other and cried - or maybe only I did - and everything was right. It wasn’t a dream this time, it wasn’t a hallucination. Everything was going to be okay.  _ Everything’s going to be okay. _

And in that moment, it was.


	3. Ignite 5.2 R

Being Riley Green - or Shift, or Blueline, or 'Lady', or Rey, or whatever the fuck - was  _ weird _ at the moment. I wasn't sure how to describe it any other way. Part of me wondered if Stroke's power had any long-term effects that most wrote off, if that was why I was having such a hard time with words, but I'd never been great with them to begin.

It was nice to be back, but I was ironically experiencing a lot  _ more _ tension after being released from the evil mob boss’s hands.  _ Or, you know, not evil. _ I wasn’t completely convinced by her logic, and I knew she probably was aware of that, but I certainly saw her in a better light.  _ Or at least a light she manufactured to make herself look better. Probably that. _

Despite logically knowing that I’d been kidnapped and held against my will for more than half a week by one of the most longstanding and infamous villains of the entire city, I couldn’t help but kinda feel for her. The things she said made  _ sense, _ under some definition of the word. At the very least, it made enough sense that I was almost willing to accept it if it meant being able to become a girl for free.  _ Not that I’m not already, of course, but- Ugh, you know what I mean. _

Regardless of everything, I needed to do some research into the Red Iron’s history. Whether what I found would push me over the line into giving up some amount of my moral fiber to become an assistant pedo-killer, or made me appreciate my freedom from Iron Willy’s grasp, I couldn’t say. All I knew for certain was that I was  _ really _ hoping for the former, and that I hated myself for feeling that way.

Surely the Protectorate or whoever wouldn’t find it too odd for a girl to do some admittedly very detailed looking into the people who held her hostage. There was almost no chance for suspicion so long as I didn’t search anything particularly obvious like..  _ ‘why are the red iron seen as bad’ _ or something like that.

A much larger issue was that walking through the halls of the Wards base was  _ uncomfortable. _ Even if they were letting me be after insisting that I didn’t want to talk about it, people still gave me looks when they thought I wouldn’t notice. Beyond that, I couldn’t help feeling like I’d betrayed them.  _ I mean, I sorta  _ am _ betraying them. Actively. I’m keeping information away from them about some of the most dangerous villains in the city. Only way I could be much worse is if I was directly helping out Hush and her monsters. _

_ If I decide the Red Iron are awful now, it’ll probably be too late for me to reveal their location.  _ Willy had asked me to go at least a mile away before I shifted back out from my ‘successful escape attempt’, and though I knew where we had stayed, they’d already have moved everything vital away to another site long before she let me go free.  _ Maybe _ the Protectorate could’ve gotten to her before she was able to get far enough away from the building, but there was no guarantee, and.. I couldn’t bring myself to do that to her after all she’d done for me.

_ Okay. _ I made it to my room and shifted out. People surely would have bugged me with loads of questions if I’d run into anyone, so I decided to get rid of the possibility. Really, I shouldn’t even have been anywhere near this place, but I didn’t have any other option. I needed to know, and this was the only way I could get the information without drawing too much attention.

After giving my computer the necessary time to boot up, I got to searching. A quick read-up of their murders in the last couple years seemed like a good place to start, if not sufficient by itself.  _ There’s like.. a database for this, right? I really should’ve paid more attention to the initiation stuff. _ I searched through folders for anything that’d help me, and found what I was looking for. All I had to do was look up the Red Iron and-

_ Classified, classified, classified, classified, clasasasffafiddaddddeddgggggggggggggggggggh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gghghhgggggod damn it. _ Everywhere I looked, every single case wasn’t for my Wardly eyes. After twenty or so times of seeing the same stupid thing over and over again, the word was beginning to lose its meaning, and that was too familiar and uncomfortable for me to be willing to search any more.

_ So, fuck. I can’t do this, and I can’t ask anyone about this, and even if I did it’d just be their word against Willy’s. Why can’t a single fucking thing in my life just be easy? And- hey, what if this isn’t a Ward cutoff but just because I’m so new? I mean, I’ve fought people twice, haven’t I earned something as basic as this? _

_ Whatever, if I can’t do this, I’ll have to try scouring the normal person internet. Wish I could just ask Quinn to do it, but that’d spur on way too many questions.  _ Sighing, I shut back down the computer and gathered the few things I’d brought along.  _ My power should be up in a minute or so, so I can leave the same way I came. Let’s hope I don’t have to deal with anything stupid. _

Thankfully, the way out from the building was fine, and the walk home was alright. Besides some birds, it was fairly quiet on the way back. _I guess winter’s really getting going now, huh?_ People weren’t going outside as much anymore. The temperature had dropped a fair bit in the time I was isolated from the world, so it almost felt like people had suddenly decided to start avoiding _me._ _Whatever, doesn’t matter._

I reached my house and, after a brief preparation for what would lay ahead, I opened the door.

“Oh, welcome home,” Dad called to me as I came in. He was making-  _ What, breakfast? What time is it? _ “Didn’t realize you’d left. You okay?”

“Ah, uh, yeah.”  _ Come on, just deal with this so you can get to work. _ “Yeah, just wanted to grab a couple things from my room at the Wards.”

“I see.”  _ Oh god, don’t be like that. Please don’t start anything, I just want- _ “For some reason I didn’t really imagine the rooms being used like that.”  _ Sigh. _

“Like what?”

“Oh, I mean.. Just, as rooms, really.”

“Yeah?” I began walking towards my room, hoping this could be cut short. “I mean, yeah. They’re rooms.”

“Well, I guess I just meant I figured you wouldn’t need it, or most of the Wards. At least I hope most of you kids have somewhere to stay.”

“Gotcha. I mean, I don’t know, I don’t really use it for that. Sleeping or.. living or whatever. Just easier to keep some.. hero stuff there, I guess.”  _ How much am I allowed to talk about my Ward life when you’re the one who’s opening the conversation? Should I still be avoiding the details? _

“And a couple of your things.”

“Uh” - I hung at the corner leading into the hall, waiting for the go ahead to leave - “yeah, I guess.”

“So..” He turned from the food to look at me, and gave off that  _ Dad _ look that let me know we had to have a serious talk. “You have a minute?”

“Uh, I..” I sighed and put my stuff down, then went over to the couch and sat on it backwards. We really needed to get a chair just for kitchen talks. “Yeah, I guess.”

“It’s good, I promise.”

“Okay.”  _ Nothing good starts with that. _

“I got to talking with some people at my work about hormone related things.”  _ Fuck. _ “I could get you set up for an appointment as soon as a week and a half from now. Employee privileges.” I tried my best to hide the fact that, as predicted, this was a kinda awful thing to hear.

“Oh, uh..”  _ Why didn’t I think about this? What the fuck am I supposed to say to him? If I got Willy’s stuff, what do I say when I start magically sprouting boobs? _ “That’s..”  _ Fuck, come up with  _ something _ at least. At this rate he’ll- _

“I thought you’d be excited.”

“Ah, I am, I just..”  _ Think think think think think, fuck! _ “Uh, I guess I’m just anxious.”  _ Okay, good, that’s believable enough. _ “Maybe we.. delay it a bit?”

“Well, with testosterone blockers, you want to get that started as soon as possible.”  _ God damn it. _ “Strictly speaking, it would’ve been better if you’d come out  _ years _ ago, but..” He grimaced at his own words. “Sorry, that’s probably not great to hear. I’m sure it’ll be fine regardless, but the sooner the better, you know?”

“Right, uh..”  _ Running away would be easier than this, holy shit.  _ “Okay, um, yeah. I can.. we’ll..”  _ If I start the whole process now, maybe they’ll just think I’m reacting faster than normal, or.. something. That doesn’t make any sense, fuck.  _ “Um, week and a half, yeah.”

“You sure?”  _ No. _

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” After a moment of silence, save for the sound of cheese being shredded, he looked back at me and smiled. “Okay, good.”  _ I guess I’ll just have to make it up as things progress. _ “That’s all.”

“Okay.” I got up and stretched.  _ God I’m tense. _

“You hungry? Making melts.”

“Uh, nah, I gotta get started on some research.”

“I could bring it to you when it’s done.”

“..Okay.”  _ No use in fighting it, and I guess I’m kinda hungry. _ “Thanks, I’ll talk to you later.”

“No problem.” I headed in the direction of my room, grabbing my stuff when I passed it. “Good luck with your homework.”  _ Hah, right. _

“Thanks.” Making it into my room and shutting the door, I was  _ finally _ done with that conversation, and could get to rummaging through the internet for something that’d confirm or deny what I’d been told. I’d need to be careful, though. Another reason why having Quinn doing this in my stead would’ve been nice was because she had always been far better at weeding out the misinfo on all sorts of forums.

_ What are her favorites again? Capedive? Or is that the one she fucking hates? What else is there? Uh.. Or was it Powerdive? I think it’s Powerdive and Cape Escape? Or Capescape? All of these names are trash, I sure hope none of them are real. _

I checked, and they were very much so real. At least, two variants of them were real: Powerdive and Cape Scope. CapeTalk also popped up in the search results, but that seemed more like a chatroom than a forum. _ Hopefully one of these will have what I’m looking for. _ I started with Powerdive since I was  _ pretty sure _ that was Quinn’s favorite. Probably.

_ Okay, let’s see.. _ Searching for ‘Red Iron’ alone proved to be basically useless, as next to none of it was about any of their victims. Next, I tried ‘Red Iron victims’, but it was then that I remembered that Willy had specifically avoided people knowing her motives.  _ That’s really convenient for her, huh? Or, I mean, not the act of setting that up, if she’s not lying, but in terms of getting me to side with her. _

_ Fuck, how am I even supposed to contact her if I decide I  _ do _ want to help out? I get the danger of giving me a phone number or something, but this whole thing is dangerous as fuck. I mean, shit, Pythia’s probably telling Radar about it right this second. If he finds out and questions me, I’m fucked. Either I completely dedicate myself to not assisting the Red Iron, or I basically have no choice but to shift away and go on the run for the rest of my life. Even if she is a good person, that’s kinda fucked up. _

_ Then again, I guess I’m pretty fucked up for considering any of this at all. Wouldn’t anybody, though, in my position? If you could have your dream handed to you for free, and all you had to do was help do some slightly morally dubious shit to take out the worst kinds of people, then.. Fuck, how do you just say no to that without even a second of consideration? Am I actually fucked, or is this just.. _

_ Ugh, but the  _ ‘hero’ _ thing to do, of course, would be to deny it in the name of justice or whatever. Not even giving it a second though, either, just full out sacrifice. Aren’t I the kinda person that heroes are meant to be sacrificing for? Honestly, aren’t we  _ all? _ All of us with these terrible trigger events, isn’t it fucked up that we’re expected to give up even more of our lives to help others who haven’t ever really had to suffer like we- _

Then I remembered Quinn, and I felt like shit.  _ How is that fair? Why can’t she be a hero? If she’d gotten the powers she deserves, she probably never would’ve done the David shit. _

_ Fuck, I forgot about David.. The opportunity to save Sandra is surely completely lost by this point. What do her parents think? What does  _ she  _ think? Does she even realize what’s happened, or that  _ anything _ has happened? Is she completely oblivious to what’s been done to her? Quinn was. Fuck, and all the times I went to see him, what did he do to  _ me? _ Do I have any way of ever knowing? Who would I be if not for him? _

_ What if something he did to me has led me down this path? With me considering the possibility of.. ugh, of all of this. _ I closed my laptop and sunk into my chair.  _ This fucking sucks. Capes suck. Being a hero sucks. I wish I could give my powers to Quinn, or something. I wish I could just hide and fade away and not have to deal with all of this shit in my life. I’m so tired of it, I’m so stressed. I’m not made for this kinda thing. I thought I’d adjust, but it’s only gotten worse, and more and more’s getting stacked on.. _

_ I just want to lie down. I just want to sleep.  _ Rolling out of my chair, I crawled over and onto bed.  _ I can deal with this later. _

* * *

_ Why didn't I deal with this before? Fuck you, past me. _ Groaning, I got up and stretched.  _ Guh, now I’m just more drowsy, and nothing’s any closer to being figured out.  _ I shuffled out of my room and over to the bathroom, filled my hand up with water, and tossed it into my mouth as best as I could.  _ Swish swish. Is it normal to have this kinda.. bluh taste after even just a short nap? And like the tongue gets kinda crusty. I don’t know. _

After finishing washing out my mouth, I went over to the toilet and sat down for a while. I didn’t have to go, but I didn’t really want to deal with..  _ With what? Opening a door or two? Ugh. Whatever, just.. I need to deal with the Willy stuff, and all that. With.. if I want to join them, and if I do, what I’m even supposed to do with that. Will they know? And then, contact me? They saw my face, I mean- _

_ Oh fuck, they saw my face. They- They could easily have figured out who I am and tracked down where I live and- Oh god. If- If I say no, I’m putting us all in danger, putting Dad and.. Fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck, oh god. So ‘no’ is not an option, definitely not. Not.. not not not. Okay. Breathe, breeeeaaattthe. _

After I calmed myself down enough to not have a full on anxiety attack, I assessed my new options.  _ I mean, okay, I still don’t have to help them, exactly. If I think I should, I can.. I have the option to be like.. Well, I guess I’d be a double agent either way, but I can be a double agent in reverse. That could be invaluable, maybe? And it’d mean I’d still get the hormone stuff. _

_ Maybe I should’ve asked more about that. Is it an ongoing thing, like normal, or is it just a one time deal? Or a few times, but like, not forever. If it’s ongoing, I’m kinda fucked. Would I want to start it just to have to go back to.. to this? Could I really handle that? Why didn’t I ask for more details when I was being imprisoned? _

_ That’s probably not the sorta thing I can just go searching for without drawing some eyes in my direction. What’s that thing Quinn uses again? Tinkor?  _ She’d recommended it to me so many times that I should have been able to remember it without any amount of struggle, but my brain fucking hated me.

The main issue, now, was that I was pretty sure she’d told me I wouldn’t be able to just get it by searching online, for fear of causing the exact same amount of attention-grabbing as whatever I’d be looking for. She’d also made it pretty clear that there was more to it than just installing it and being good to go, and I wasn’t sure I could get her to teach me how to use it without a barrage of questions as to why  _ now _ of all times.

The only thing I hadn’t budged on was that there was  _ no _ chance of me bringing Quinn into this. The chances of her doing something stupid and risky and dangerous and awful and fucked up and-  _ Ugh. _ The chances of that were high, and almost guaranteed to be behind my back. Maybe I was going behind hers, but she’d lost some amount of trust in the past month. Maybe with time I could let her in. It all depended on how things went in the now.

_ So, okay, my two options are either to work with Radar and whoever else to sabotage the Red Iron and put an end to the longest lasting crime organization in all of Remure, or to betray the foundation of heroism for personal gain. But, in fairness to the second one, I’m not even expected to betray the Wards or anything. I could easily just step out if that ever became an issue, right? _

Deciding I’d been sitting on the toilet doing nothing for long enough, I got up and headed back to my room.  _ This sucks, I wish I could just talk with Quinn. She’d know what to do. _ Once I hit the bed, a question hit me.  _ Where is she, anyways? It’s - _ I checked the clock -  _ almost five. What’s she up to? _

I checked my phone, but there were no missed calls or messages or anything. That was almost more concerning than if she’d sent me a few hundred. Maybe she’d gone to get some food? Or maybe-  _ Wait. Wasn’t Dad making me something before I passed out? _

At this point, things were a bit too odd for me to write off as just Quinn going on her own and making some terrible decisions behind my back. I pushed myself up off the bed and headed out of my room to the kitchen. He wasn’t there. The food wasn’t either, though there was still some amount of a mess from earlier.

“Dad?” After a few seconds with no response, I heard a car door open and shut. Or maybe two? Hearing steps coming up towards the front door, I reached back and placed my fingers on the knife rack, just in case. The doorknob turned for a little bit, and I heard-  _ Whispers? _ The lock slowly turned before people came in through the door and-

“Oh, hey, you’re awake,” Quinn said. It was just her and my Dad. After taking a moment to process that I was just being paranoid, I pulled my hand away and put it firmly at my side. “You okay?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah.” Dad seemed more concerned than Quinn was, giving me some space where Quinn was already coming over to hug me.

“Good.”  _ Yeah, I guess. _ I hugged her back.

“Sorry about your food,” Dad said. “You didn’t answer when I knocked and I didn’t want it to go cold, so I gave it to Quinn.”

“Oh, um..” Quinn pulled away and patted me on the shoulder before winking and heading to my room to put her stuff away, baffling me. I composed myself and shrugged to my Dad. “Uh, no, yeah, that’s okay.”

“Alright, cool.” An uncomfortable pause followed, which the two of us were historically terminally awful at avoiding. “You can go talk to Quinn, I won’t mind.”  _ Code for ‘please go unless you have something to say’. Touche as fuck. _ I left without another word, going off to join Quinn.

“Hey,” she said, before I even finished coming into the room.

“Hey.” I closed the door behind me and slumped up against it, sliding down into a lazy sit. “Where’ve you been?”

“Went for a ride with your dad.” She was rummaging through her backpack for something. “Talked about you a bit.”  _ A distraction. Bait. Don’t bite it. _

“Before that. You were gone all day.”

“Jogging.”

“For three hours?”

“Also chilled with Vincent.” At this point, it seemed like she was going through her bag just to avoid looking at me.  _ What did you do? _

“You two do anything?”

“Riley.” She pulled out a small bag with a neat little tie fashioned into a bow. “We just hung out for a bit, nothing happened.” Removing the tie, she opened it up and pulled an almond out, tossing it into her mouth. “Want one?” She held it out to me.

“Oh.” I scooted closer and grabbed a couple from the bag. Rather than eating them, I just inspected them in my hand. “Sorry.”

“Nah, I get it, you just got out of.. you know.”  _ Still not wanting to talk about it. I guess I’m not one to judge, and I’m not exactly complaining. _ “Paranoia. I get it, I deal with it all the time, it’s no big deal.”

“Mm..”  _ Is it paranoid if it’s justified? _ “Would.. you tell me? If you did something dangerous, I mean.” She finished up chewing another almond and swallowed.

“I mean, probably not immediately.”  _ Exactly. _ “But that’s just right now. You’re already stressed as hell, and I don’t want to add to that. When things are back to normal, I’m done with the whole.. secret thing.”

“But you’d tell me.. eventually? Like, if you were doing something other than being with Vincent, you’ll tell me.. tomorrow, maybe?”

“Well, I hadn’t really like.. thought about specific timelines, but sure, I can do that I guess?” Finished with the almonds, she threw her backpack and the bag to the side, then scooted off of the bed and over next to me. She leaned against me, resting her head on my shoulder.

“Ah, but..”  _ This is an asshole move, she obviously wants to just move on. I need to do this, though. _ “Then why not tell me now? What’s a day earlier? Less time I have to worry.”

“Mm..” She sighed and said nothing for a while, waiting at least a minute before actually answering my question. “I’ve been looking for a replacement for David.”

“What, like.. what?” I wanted to pull away to get a look at her face, but I let her stay where she was.

“Well, I tried just not having anything, but.. I mean, ugh, I’m just like my mom, but I need something to replace what he gives me? You know?”

“So you’re.. What kind of  _ replacement _ are you looking for, Quinn?”  _ Was comparing yourself to your mom just because of issues with addiction, or am I going to have to make  _ you _ of all people understand why drugs are bad? _

“It’s not anything bad, I promise. I was talking out of my ass when I was telling David about this to.. I don’t remember why, but after that I started looking into it. Basically, I’ve found a semi-local, completely safe, anonymous power testing meetup thing. Obviously no one will be quite like him, but it’s fully regulated by loads of people, there’s no risk of me being mega-fucked by a Master or anything, and I mean..  _ somebody _ has to fill the gap he’s made, right?”

“That..” I tried to find a cushion for my words, but there was no nice way to say this. “That is possibly the dumbest idea you’ve ever had.”

“What? No, I’ve had much more stupid ideas, even if we just go off of the last month. This is pretty much the least stupid major idea I’ve had since you triggered.” I took a second to consider that.

“Okay, I mean,  _ sure, _ but that just speaks to how much dumb shit you’ve been up to. This is  _ really _ dumb, Quinn.”

“No it’s not, look-” She got off of me and crawled over to her bag, pulling out her laptop and typing some stuff. “They’ve got a pretty official looking site and everything, come here.” Unexcitedly, I pushed myself off my slump in the ground and went over to join her, resting my back against the bedframe. She had a sorta boring website open, filled with light greys and generally just not anything particularly striking about it.  _ Not really what I was expecting from something shady like this. _

“And this is supposed to convince me?”

“Well, look, I’ve looked into it. It’s safe.”

“Is it?”

“As safe as this kind of thing can be.”

“Yeah, exactly, so barely at all.”

“Riley, this isn’t the nineties anymore. People are smart about cape shit now, and honestly this place seems safer than just walking around the city at this point. Hush and those guys have been silent - pardon the pun - for a while now. Same with the Aviary. Not that they matter much for random citizens, but still. People are starting to freak out a bit; no one wants to be the idiot who kept their guard down and ends up as their next victim.

“A place this heavily guarded with so many capes is bound to be safer than.. the mall, or anywhere downtown. I get being a bit hesitant about this kind of thing, but it seems like they’ve really got this whole thing locked down. If anyone tries to abuse the system from the inside, there’s ten or so other capes there to fuck them over.”

“I don’t know..”  _ How much of this is info I can actually trust, and how much of it is justifications that she’s made up so she can feel okay about doing this? _

“Look, if it makes you feel better you can come with me. It could be useful for you to get some more test subjects, too. Maybe there’s some hidden part of your power that only someone who’s been testing them out for ages would be able to spot?” She shrugged. “I’m going soon no matter what - tonight or tomorrow - and you’re welcome to join me.”

“I’ll..”  _ If I go, she can’t do anything  _ too _ risky, and.. I guess I could get something out of it too. _ “Okay. But if I don’t like how things are looking, I’m shifting us out of there without hesitation. Deal?” She groaned, but it seemed more playful than genuine.

“You know you’re not really in a position to be making ‘deals’, right? I’m the one who offered you to come along, I could just as easily go on my own.” Her smile pushed home that this was not a genuine threat. As such, I decided to match the mood.

“As if I couldn’t follow you. You’d have no idea, too, I could shift away any time you glanced over your shoulder.”

“Oh boy, more fuel for my paranoia.” I got ready to feel like shit, but she seemed like she was having just as much fun. Apparently my moment of worry was something she was able to pick up on, because she was bumping her shoulder against me and giving me her Quinn smirk. “You’re a dork.”

“Hah, says the-” I shifted in and stayed as still as I could, which was fairly easy since breathing and all of that was more a comfort of familiarity than an actual necessity. The hard part would be continuing the sentence, but repeating the opening and shifting out at the same spot I entered was probably good enough to go unnoticed.  _ But I’m wasting time. What’s something good? Mm.. How about- _

“Hah, says the” - I shifted out - “uber dork.”  _ Good enough. _ Despite my lack of skill in recognizing body language and facial expressions, I’d known Quinn long enough to know that she’d caught what I’d done, even with all the effort I’d put into it going unnoticed.

“Good one.” Perhaps it was because of how bad my comeback was that she let it slide, or maybe she would’ve allowed it to either way. Regardless, it was nice. “Anyways, yeah, I can work with that.” It took me a second longer than it should have for me to remember what she was talking about.

“Ah, okay, cool.”

“That said..” She pushed herself off the floor and headed over to the closet. “You can’t go as Shift, especially not after all the news, sooo..” She stretched out the last bit as she struggled to pull out my old costume from under something, putting it on display alongside her own. “Cheshire and Lady hit the streets once more?” The Cheshire costume looked different than I remembered - more clean.  _ When did you do that? _

“Uh, well, what about Radar?”

“What about Radar?”

“Radar knows you’re Cheshire, and he first met me as Lady. Or, well, I guess I ended up changing my name to Shift before our talk even got a few bits in, right? I can’t remember exactly.”

“Yeah, sounds about right. Chances are there’s no record of Lady anywhere in the system.”

“Okay, maybe, but that still leaves  _ him. _ What if he like.. finds us or something?”

“What if? I don’t think he’d give a shit about something like this. It’s not like there’s anything illegal going on.”

“I.. guess..? I don’t know, I feel like he’d be upset.”

“Look.” She dropped the costumes and sat on her legs, making herself level with me. “Has there ever been a time when that guy  _ wasn’t _ upset? Besides, you basically saved his fiancee’s life and just went through actual hell. You’ve earned some slack.”

“Mm..”  _ Why can’t I just stop worrying all the time? I- _ “Okay, uh, maybe, but.. What about my power? I’m not anonymous anymore, what if someone figures out who I am and then like.. spreads the details of my power? It probably wouldn’t be too hard to figure out that I’m Shift, and then if the info on how my power works gets out to everyone, I mean..”

“Riley, if you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to.  _ However..” _ She put a hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. “I don’t think anything like that will happen. This place is secure as all fuck from what I can tell. If anyone tried to screw you over, there’d be a huge retaliation.”

“..Maybe.. I don’t know, I’ll think on it?” It came out more like a question than a statement, as if I was asking her for permission. “Let’s say I’m going and plan for that and do all the necessary preparation stuff, but knowing that I might choose to back out.”

“Sounds solid.” With a grunt, she hopped from her position onto her feet, grabbed the costumes, and stood up. Putting the costumes under one arm, she held her other hand out to me, and when I grabbed it she picked me up with more force than I was expecting.  _ Wow, I guess you really have been working out. _

“Let’s fix your blandwear up a bit, then,” she continued. “I decided while we were talking that we’re doing this tonight ‘cause we should probably actually go to school at least one day this week, and I don’t really want to do this after a whole day of boring stupid times. They’re most busy on weekends, but it’s whatever.”

_ Right, school. I should probably bring up David then, shouldn’t I? If we don’t do something tomorrow, we won’t get the chance until Monday, and that’s.. We’ve waited long enough. For Sandra’s sake - as weird as that is to say - and that of everyone else in the school, we need to deal with him sooner rather than later. The only question that remains is  _ how _ we should go about it. Quinn’s plan is.. not great. I’m not sure what-  _ My attention was grabbed by snapping in front of my face.

“Riley, hey, welcome back to earth.” There was a hint of concern under the playful tone she was trying to put on. “Kind of just spaced there in the middle of our talk. You doing okay?”

“Uh, yeah.”  _ Yeah? _ “Yeah, I think I’m just still in like.. Stroke mode. Or.. Red Iron mode, or whatever. I had a lot of time to think without using my power, so I guess I got in the habit of just.. yeah. Yeah, sorry.”

“No big, you’re good.”

“Okay..”  _ I need to bring up David, but I need.. something, I need  _ some _ idea of what to do, I- _ “Wait, shit, I mean thank you.” She giggled.

“Dork.”

“Yeah, hah, um..” I sighed. “Okay, we need to talk about.. About David.” All of the fun drained from the room in an instant at me dredging him back up.  _ Bluhhh. _ “I.. We need to do something tomorrow, or really soon. The longer we let him exist untouched, the more damage he can do.”

“He’s been working there for years, Rye, I don’t think a few days are going to do much.”

“But he hasn’t always had his power? And, I mean, he hasn’t always been on a time crunch. You blackmailed him or whatever to keep him tame- _ ish, _ but that can’t last forever. He’s probably finding a way around it as we speak.”

“I..” She sighed, though it quickly transitioned into a growling, frustrated groan. “You’re too anxious, and you’re forgetting who you’re talking to. I’ve thought all of this through, Riley. It’s  _ fine _ to wait a week, maybe even a month.” She took a few steps back and leaned against the door. “We’ve gone through a lot of awful shit lately, I think we’ve earned the right to be a bit lazy on this.”

“You can’t be  _ lazy _ with supervillains.” I didn’t like how aggressive my tone was. I couldn’t let this escalate if I wanted any chance of coming up with a new plan. “Sorry, just.. Can we brainstorm something while we work on my costume?”

“Sure, but only after we brainstorm the changes we’re going to make to it.” She held it up against her body, displaying it for an audience of one. “Because  _ this _ is unacceptable.”

“Okay..” I didn’t really see any actual issue with it, but I wasn’t going to waste time arguing that point. “Uh, so, I don’t know anything about this. Guessing you have ideas?”

“Less than you’d think. We could always fashion it to match mine..” She brought her own costume up as well, doing her best to hold each of them side by side while still showing them off. “I don’t know, though. Sounds boring.”  _ Revamping an already alright looking costume sounds boring.  _ “How do you feel about frills?”

“Uhh..”

“Because I think we could add some flare - not literally - by throwing in some frills. With mine, see, it’s got this sleakness to it, sort of like a cat.” She wiggled her head a bit to emphasize the ‘sort of’, not having a hand available. “Well, what really sells home the image of a  _ lady? _ The word has fairly mature connotations, but I’ve always seen it as sort of spiritually similar to that of a princess. It’s mature, but not  _ old.” _

“Old lady?” It wasn’t the most elegant way to convey my idea, but I wasn’t sure I’d have room to say much more.

“Okay, sure, but that  _ has _ to have the prefix ‘old’ to get the idea into your head. When you think of a lady, you think of- Shit, wait..” She groaned. “Okay, you think of someone a decade older than us, and then you’d be a  _ young _ lady. That’s kind of being pedantic, but..” The enthusiasm for the idea slowly drained from her face. “Whatever, we’ll drop that idea.”

“I wasn’t objecting.”

“Hush.” She smiled at me, once again helping reinforce the idea that this was playful, rather than her being genuinely upset or controlling. “We can just do it like mine. Just a quick patch up. It’s not like you’re going to be wearing this thing often, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“Thank fuck, okay.”

“Mm?” She set her costume down on the ground and brought mine over, then went over to get the sewing kit that had seen more use in the past month than ever before. “You’re really nervous about the David shit, huh?”

“I mean, that’s probably what I’ve thought about most the last week. Even more than my safety, or.. or anything.”

“Damn.” Sitting down next to me, she put the stuff down on the floor to give me her full attention. “Sorry, I didn’t realize. We can do this stuff after, we’ve got time.”

“Okay..” I sighed in relief. “Okay, thank you.”

“Of course.”

“Mm..” _Of course ‘of course’, it’s Quinn. She’s always here for me, and even if we’ve had a rough patch the past however long, we’re good. This is good and she’s good and it’s good._ _I can trust her._ “Okay. So.. I don’t think your plan works, with me shifting in PRT people to ambush him or whatever, and uh.. I have another idea, but I’m worried about it.”

“Yeah?” Let me guess,  _ ‘what am I ever not worried about’, right? Hah. _

“Yeah, um.. I’m more worried about telling you it, honestly.”

“Ah.”

“But I’m.. going to.” A long silence followed.

“..Okay?”

“I- Yeah, sorry, uh..”  _ Fuck fuck fuck. _ “Okay, I’m just gonna say it. I..”  _ Just do it, just do it before you regret it, do it before you think it through and doubt yourself, just go go go go go go go go- _

“I’m working as a double-agent for the Red Iron but I’m currently trying to decide if I should betray them or not and they don’t want me to betray the Wards or anything so it’s really kinda the better option on some amount of paper and they’ve got a sorta incredibly cool thing going on and also are offering me free Tinker made trans shit and how can I say no to that when it’s this whole thing and maybe in the best of both worlds I can get that and then betray them and be a really amazing Ward who everyone loves and who doesn’t fuck up everything she ever does and-”

“Rye.” She cut my endless, exhausting ramble off. “What the fuck, dude?” I closed my eyes tightly, taking a deep breath to recover, and to brace myself for whatever response I got.  _ Why didn’t I think about it? Why didn’t I let myself doubt this, this was an awful idea and now- _ “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I opened up one eye to see she wasn’t particularly mad, and my other eye followed.

“Huh?”

“I mean, you were just talking about not wanting secrets to be kept even in short term, but then you didn’t bring this up until now. And, I mean, I don’t even see how this relates to David? What are we going to do, just go ‘oh hey David come with us to this shady part of town, here you go!’ and push him into some Red Iron.. death.. lair?”

“I.. I don’t know? Exactly, I mean, but I.. Can I explain what’s going on a little better? I was worried about being interrupted so I just threw a bunch of words out there, but I don’t think I.. you know?”

“Of course.”  _ God, yeah, of course ‘of course’, of course. _

“Right, yeah. Okay.” I took another deep sigh of relief, which morphed into a tiny, anxious giggle near the end. “Okay. So I guess I’ll.. What do you know about how the mission went?”

“I know Maid and Blare got fucked, which was the only reason they even sent you in at all. I know that you got Stroked and then went off on your own to chase after Chimera, and then nobody saw you after that.”

“Gotcha, okay. So basically, I felt like I was the reason the original plan went poorly, and then I just kept fucking up, so I guess I decided to make myself worthwhile on any level by going to make sure Chimera wasn’t running off to burn the place down or something. Then I met Iron Willy, and-” I caught myself before fucking up one of the most important things I was asked to do.

“And?”

“Uh, sorry. And he was just sort of calm, and the two of them were staring at each other. And then I attacked him, and tried to get Chimera to attack him, but he wouldn’t. And Willy didn’t do anything, and then suddenly Chimera attacked us and I shifted us in and then he escaped, and then uh- Okay, look, basically I did a bunch of stupid shit and then I got kidnapped. That part isn't that important.

“So I woke up in a pretty nice room and then Willy came and said stuff I didn’t understand and gave me some food, then he left. A while later I was able to understand stuff sorta, but couldn’t really talk still. He said stuff, I- I don’t know, I’m really just going on about the unimportant shit. Long story short, turns out the Red Iron is designed to fuck over really awful people? Like the worst of the villain community and stuff.”

“So that guy we saved was a supervillain?” She wielded the same skepticism against me that I originally had when Willy first pitched the idea. At least she wasn’t immediately buying into it, without any critical thought.

“No, uh.. Long story short for  _ that _ one, uh.. It- He didn’t like doing it, but it was a mercy thing. His wife’s sickness was  _ really _ bad, and.. yeah.”

“Mm. You’re thinking they aren’t lying because.. why?”

“It’s.. complicated? It’s very complicated. But as I said, I’m still thinking of whether or not I should betray them and stuff.”

“Yeah, alright.” The tone had shifted even further away from the playful one we’d had a bit ago. Tension was building, and I couldn’t be sure that it wasn’t just my mind playing tricks on me.

“Um, but just.. Yeah, I don’t know, I, uh.. Just, David.”

“David.”

“I just figured, I mean.. Maybe they could deal with him? It’s not all murder and stuff, sometimes it’s just..”  _ Making them suffer. Punishing them. Driving them to take their own life, as that leaves less of a mess. It’s what he deserves for what he did to you. Ruining you. _ “Sometimes they just make the people rethink their actions.”

“What, with torture? Or, I don’t know,  _ kidnapping?” _

“No, obviously not, I-”

“This is  _ villain _ shit, Riley. You’re in way over your head here, and it’s clear you’re just winging it. These people are too dangerous for you to not be putting thought into your actions. And, to be honest, it wouldn’t be enough even if you were giving it your all. It’s good you came to me about this.”

“Is it? You’re- You’re like  _ actually _ a villain, you- with the David shit. You’re trying to tell me I’m being stupid and not thinking, but it’s- I don’t even know how I’m supposed to take that seriously, you’re- God, I just-” The look on her face, mixed with my inability to express what I was trying to get across, forced me to take pause. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She got up, forcefully, and grabbed her costume on the way to the door.

“Quinn-”

“Don’t.” Words started to come out, but she changed her mind. “Just don’t. I’m going out, be back tonight.” Before I could respond, she was out of my room, and then out of the house. There were so many things I wanted to say that I didn’t get the chance to, and after this I probably wouldn’t be able to broach the topic again soon enough to bring them up. I just wanted to explain.. all of this. I wanted things to be okay.

But in that moment, they weren’t.


	4. Ignite 5.3

_ I’m a bad person. _ The cloth on my skin belonged to me, and was as such the property of a vile creature.  _ A monster. That’s what I am. That’s me, and everyone knows it now. Even the passersby _ .

The slightly wet grass in front of a dying, prickly bush wasn’t the most comfortable place to sit, but I deserved no better. It wasn’t like I had anywhere else to go, either. Still, I could’ve done without the faces people were making as they tried to ignore my presence. Someone might’ve even called the cops. Or the Protectorate.

_ Let them come. Take me away. Disturbing the peace. _ I existed at once as an unknown threat and a pathetic pile of bloody filth.  _ Don’t be melodramatic. _ The only red present on my entire body was the flush in my cheeks and a small, fresh scratch on my hand. Self inflicted, obviously.  _ Someone has to. _

_ Mm. _ I pushed myself off the ground, to my feet. It was a stumbling process, but at least I was moving.  _ Where to, legs? _ Forward, it seemed. For a  _ villain, _ I wasn’t much of a schemer. The desire was there, and for a long time the belief that I qualified had been there as well, but I knew better now. I wasn’t just a bad person, I was bad at being a bad person.  _ A goon. A minion. Fodder. _

_ Imagine being so useless despite being fundamentally designed to be awful. How the fuck is this my life? How am I so..  _ nothing? _ I was supposed to be more than this. I'm supposed to be better than some stupid nobody villain. At the very least I was meant to be a hero with a following similar to that of a cult classic, but that’s a lost cause now. Soon enough I’ll be known everywhere as the freakish, psychotic bitch that ruined the city. Even then, I wouldn’t get to be ‘the’; many have already beaten me in that race. _

_ But what am I even going to do? What room is there for excellence in this world, anymore? For being outstanding? You’re either a cape, or you’re nobody. A massive swarm of idiots who keep the elites going. Ants to their variety of fucking queens. Pathetic. _

_ Even among the gods are fools. Tens of thousands of them, or more. Idiots who don’t understand what they’ve been given, who think they can just waste it doing whatever the fuck. Idiots without teams, or who don’t use their powers, or rogues - hah, Rogues in fucking Satin. What a fucking joke. _

_ It always has to come back to me, doesn’t it? Everything comes back to me, the selfish piece of shit I am. Narcissistic asshole. Undeserving, too, in provable ways. Couldn’t save Riley, couldn’t trigger, couldn’t even make myself useful to the heroes in non-powered ways. Who the fuck do I think I am? What kind of bitchass teenage shithead is out here thinking she’s worthy of having heroes for friends? _

_ Riley should’ve left as soon as the option first arrived. No way in hell I’m better than the Wards. Rue, hah, the girl of my dreams. Girl so far out of my league that they could name a baseball team after it. Or.. something. That’s probably how sports work, I don’t know. Whatever, just.. better than me, and it’s good she’s getting away as soon as she is. _

_ Vincent.. I don’t even know how to feel about him. I’m neglecting him hardcore, as if I should be the one to sometimes forget his existence and not the other way around. Am I anything to him other than that annoying girl he mistakenly thought  _ might  _ have powers? Would he have given me the time of day if I hadn’t spent so much time around him? Whatever. I’m here. _

In less time than I was expecting, I’d found exactly what I was looking for: three Legion clones.  _ Or Flock, or Murrain, or whatever. _ Whatever name they chose to go by, they were hanging out alone in the alley between two buildings I didn’t recognize, sitting in fold up chairs around a trash fire. One of them, who was aiming for some sort of punk aesthetic, turned to address me.

“Hey smokey.”  _ Smokey? My.. costume is predominantly purple? I guess it’s a little hard to tell with how dark it is, but still. _ “If you’re looking for a fight, we’re not with any of the violent ones.”  _ Idiots without teams. Not  _ exactly _ what I was looking for, then, but maybe better in the long run. _

“No fight, just wanting to talk, I guess. If that’s fine.” The punk one turned to the other two, who shrugged, then back to me.

“Yeah, sure. Don’t have a seat, though.”

“The ground works.” After kicking a couple rocks out of the way, I was relatively comfortably sat down. “You three have names?”

“Sapphire,” said the one furthest from me. The only major difference between her and any other given clone was a blue earring that stood out even in the dim lighting, as well as having one side of her head shaved.

“Nah,” said the one who hadn’t spoken. He..  _ They? _ They were pretty much just a carbon copy of the original, appearance-wise.

“May works,” the punk one concluded.  _ May? Really? _ This whole experience was kind of weird. I’d never directly talked to any of these people, and to see the variance in their personality and identity up close was.. kind of uncomfortable. All of the different ways in which a person could form, or change, or.. anything.  _ Where would I be if things had gone just a little differently? _

“Alright. I’m Cheshire.”

“Real name or cape name?” It seemed May was the most talkative of the bunch.

“Uh, cape.” _Who names their kid Cheshire? Who names_ themselves _Cheshire?_ _I guess me, sort of._

“Cool, cool. So what brings you around?”

“That’s part of what I’m trying to figure out, honestly. My life sort of Fresh Princed, recently.” None of them seemed to get the joke. “Got flipped, turned upside down.” Even now that they understood, they didn’t seem to find it particularly funny.  _ Fair enough. _ “Anyways, just been trying to find my place in the world after.. Well, you know.”  _ Let them think it’s a trigger event. That’ll be better. _

“Gotcha. Well, nice to meet you, Cheshire. We were just shooting shit over philosophy.”

“Oh.”  _ So massive idiots without teams, then. _ It wasn’t that I didn’t  _ like _ philosophy, just that it wasn’t really something I’d ever consider if I had powers.  _ Then again, these guys basically don’t. _ “Cool.”

“Yeah. So you a villain or a rogue?”  _ Oof. _

“Uhh..”  _ Not even the possibility of a hero, cool. Guess I was right that everybody knows. _

“Either’s chill. Or a hero, too. Figure if you were a hero, though, we’d have heard about you.”  _ Hitting on the other biggest insecurity, great. _

“That’s what I’m aiming to figure out. I figured one of you guys would be able to give me some advice, since I imagine every one of you has gone through the whole.. ‘who am I, really?’ thing.”

“Damn, yeah,” Nah said. Whether or not that was his name, and not just a dismissive response to the question, it was all I had to go off of. “That’s rough, kid.”

“Yeah.”  _ Not a fan of being called kid, but whatever. These guys are all a fair bit older than me, so it’s.. Yeah, whatever. _ “Being a hero isn’t really an option for me.”

“I hear that.” It was Sapphire’s time to talk, it seemed. “Can’t exactly waltz into a Protectorate meeting and offer our services when most of the people with our face have a criminal record.”

“Yeah. My situation isn’t like that, obviously, but it’s about as hopeless. Even though that’s what I really want to do.”

“Uh-huh, that’s what I wanted too. Split off of a pretty scary Legion member in the middle of a bank robbery, and I honestly couldn’t really explain why I had such a change of heart, but something about seeing how all these different versions of me were being slaughtered, and the  _ people _ we were hurting..” She shuddered. “It was awful. Terrible. I can’t imagine how the one who made me could’ve been fine with all of that; how I could’ve felt so differently. Just wanted to run to the PRT and apologize for days, and maybe offer my help, but I knew I couldn’t.”

“Damn, that’s kind of fucked.”

“Yeah. Sorry, didn’t mean to bum you out or minimize anything or any of that.”

“Oh, uh, no, you’re good.”  _ Really though, someone like this can come out of someone like that?  _ “That’s actually kind of good to hear, if you don’t mind me saying. Not the.. you know, all of that, but like.. I guess just knowing that even when you’re that fucked up you can still grow to be chill.”

“Mhmm..” She smiled through the dark, though I couldn’t tell what the nature of it was. It was definitely reserved, but she might’ve just been a reserved kind of person. Regardless, I was  _ pretty _ sure she was genuinely happy with what I said, and to my surprise, I felt fairly happy about it as well.

“Mhm. Just because I’m broken and a little bit evil, that doesn’t mean I have to stay that way. Just means it’ll be a little harder.”

“Hell yeah, girl,” May chirped. “There’s too many villains in the world. If you can manage to help people, then go for it. Even with us not able to join any teams or whatever, it’s still always good to chill and help out the civilians of the world. Or, hey, the lost capes.” She gestured to me, completely ignorant of how terribly  _ not _ a cape I was. I nodded. Despite the sting of her comment, she was right. It was as I’d concluded a couple weeks prior: I just needed to be the best I could in the moment, and when I got my powers I’d have a head start.

“Mm..” I got up off the ground, sweeping some dust off of me. “Thanks, this helped a lot. More than you might think. I was sort of looking for someone to confirm that I’m a trash heap of a human being, and maybe even a villain team to join. If any would take me, that is.”  _ Sigh. _ “So uh, yeah. Thanks.”

“No prob, Cheshire. See you around, maybe.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I smiled and headed out.  _ Probably never going to see you again, but who the fuck knows. _ At the very least, they’d helped me out of the shit mood I was in, and just in time for the power testing meetup.  _ Now where the fuck was it, again? And where exactly am  _ I?

* * *

“Alright, just read through this and check off whatever interests you, then bring it back to me and I’ll get you started, okay?” The man resembled my dad, save for what he was wearing, which included a flimsy, white, strap-on mask. The voice was enough to set the two apart, but it was still a little weird. Setting it aside as best I could, I grabbed the clipboard and a pen and got to work.

There were a half dozen power users listed, and from a quick scan there was roughly twice that amount in civilians who  _ weren’t _ actively getting their brains blown out of their ears by one of the newbie capes. For one of the less active nights, it was pretty packed by my standards.

I could also have done without the looks I was getting. It seemed most everyone on the civilian side were regulars, and so seeing who they thought was a new cape was surely a bit exciting for them. Their perception of me was largely founded on the fact that I’d taken the ‘anonymous’ aspect of the group to a level beyond what most were doing. A few of them even seemed to have made some friendships through their mutual love of weird, addictive power testing.

After scanning through for anything that might even remotely work as a replacement for David and checking those off, I handed it back to the organizer. He looked a bit shocked at how quickly I’d gone through it, or maybe it was just at the further confirmation that I was not actually here to test powers of my  _ own. _ As well as any professional, he let it go.

“This all looks good. Just one moment and I’ll get you paired with number..” He looked over the room and at the various numbered doors, before turning back to me and smiling. “Number two, probably.”

“Aren’t there other people waiting?”

“Yes, but we’ll call this a welcoming gift.” He.. winked? It might have just been a blink, but it was hard to tell through my mask and under his. “Anyways, feel free to talk to the other testers, or you can wait in the seating area over there.” He gestured to a small collection of chairs and a couch.  _ Classy. _ “And thank you for coming.”

Acknowledging him with a sound that didn’t really convey any sort of message, he wandered off and I headed over to stand  _ next to _ the couch.  _ No need to risk getting some alien diseases or getting stabbed by someone hiding inside the linen. _ I spent a little while thinking of all the possible ways one could hide inside a couch, both with and without powers, before someone came over and stood in front of me a  _ little _ bit too close.

“Is this your first time?” His mask was a bit better than the rest, myself included, covering his entire head except for the eyes. It was some Spider-Man kind of thing, with a visibly thinner fabric at the mouth and nose than anywhere else. This guy clearly had a lot of time on his hands for what looked like a middle-aged man.

“Yeah.” I kept it short, not really wanting to deal with this. If I came off as too friendly, he might even have gotten the idea that he should come talk to me the  _ next  _ time I show up. The last thing I needed right now was more friends. Especially not ones who were more than twice my age.

“Thought so.”  _ Yeah, this guy definitely comes to these things too often. _ “Exciting, isn’t it?”

“Eh.” I shrugged.

“Mmm..” He didn’t leave, despite me very clearly not being interested. “May I ask about your power?” I didn’t respond, hoping he’d get the message. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t. “How about this, if I guess it, you tell me. Three guesses and then I’ll back off and wait like the others.”

“I’m here for the same reason you are.” The amount of overplayed shock that came over him was incredibly notable, and even more annoying.

“My bad, then, sorry.”  _ You fucking should be. _ “I just assumed, with the whole..” He eyed me up and down. I  _ wished _ he was being horny about it so I could have more of an excuse to get the fucker away from me.

“Yeah, I get it.”  _ When’s the guy going to come back? Would certainly enjoy my welcoming gift right about now. _

“Well, it’s always nice to see a new face on this side of things, too. Doesn’t happen very often.”  _ Fine, if you won’t leave on your own, I’ll make you leave. _

“I imagine most people don’t want to risk it. Probably have more to live for, you know? Have some level of value to their lives, or at least they’re able to tell themselves they do. People who aren’t looking for some small spark of  _ worth _ to fly off of the discount capes who come here. Maybe, just _ maybe, _ something will ignite. Maybe powers spread like an infection, who knows? The world’s a mystery with a whole lot of depth, yet you’d rather sit here and waste your time on a  _ ‘maybe’. _ Most people are smarter than that, so they don’t come here.”

“Uh..” The man stared at me in shock and awe, taking a step or two back. “I mean, I just think it’s fun?” He continued backing away, giving me a weird look that I absolutely deserved. “See you later, I guess.” In a moment, he was back to socializing with the others, and I was alone.  _ Good. _

With him gone, I went back to my idle thoughts, biding some time.  _ He probably thinks I’m some crazy bitch. Or, worse, that I’m just some vapid teenager going through an edgy phase. Trust me, guy, I  _ wish _ my rudeness was a phase. Wish I could find the time to give a shit about people like you, or anyone other than a very select few. Even if I cared to be his friend, though, it’s not like it would’ve lasted. The age gap would be enough to do it, even if I wasn’t an unlikeable little shit. _

That line of thinking was mercifully ended by the organizer coming over to me. I considered the possibility that he’d be asking me to leave, but I hadn’t seen the weird guy talking to him, so I decided to stay calm.  _ This is it, probably. _

“Cheshire?” I held my hand up in a brief wave of acknowledgement, then returned to my chill demeanor. “Room two is available, now, if you’ll follow me..?” I nodded, and we began the relatively short journey past and through the small groups people had made. In no time, we were there. “Alright, just right on ahead, and call for me if you need anything.”

Nodding, I headed through the door. On the other side was a small, puffy-looking girl. Her eyes looked sick, or tired, even under the somewhat pathetic excuse for a mask she was wearing. Other than that, she didn’t seem to have anything else for a disguise.  _ I guess I really am the odd one out. _

“Hi,” she said.

“Hey.” I stayed standing, behind an empty chair. Mirroring was a good way to get people comfortable with you, and it had become very clear that my outfit was not helping me in that area. If I was going to do this, I wanted people at their  _ best; _ not worried about who they were sharing a room with or anything like that. Minimizing the stressors and distractions was important.

“I’m Prancer.”  _ Seriously? _ “Temporary name.”  _ Thank the fuck it is. I guess I’m not one to complain, but at least I have the excuse of not having a power to work off of. _

“Cheshire. You’re the Mover, right?”

“Mover..? Uh, I mean, my power lets me move around?”  _ Oh my god, it’s cape nerds who don’t even know cape shit. Should’ve known this was what I’d get. _

“Yeah, mobility and.. smoke and stuff. Honestly, on first read I thought I must’ve missed something. I’m new here, so maybe I’m just missing the point, but your power didn’t really strike me as particularly fit for this whole thing. I actually only checked you off on the thing out of curiosity.”

“Oh, uh.. Okay?” She now looked more uncomfortable than she already had.  _ So much for mirroring. _

“Eh, ignore me.” We shifted around in silence for a few moments, forcing me to make the next move. “So, you turn into a cloud and can go through people?”

“Um, not entirely through them, but yeah, sorta.”

“Sorta.”  _ Give me something to work with, come on. _ “Okay, well.. Want to give it a shot?”

“..Sure.” She braced herself, and I followed pace. “After I poof, it takes a minute to get back like this, so be ready to wait a little bit.” Another moment passed with nothing happening. “And.. don’t inhale me. It doesn’t stop me from changing back, but it’s.. weird. So just.. When I come at you, just hold your breath. I’ll be brief.”

“Sounds good.”  _ Don’t particularly want awkward teen girl inside of me.  _ I held back a smirk.  _ Yet, at least. _

“Okay.. Here goes-” Within an instant, the girl had exploded out into a puff of black smoke. I hadn’t expected to actually  _ see _ her, or at least not so vividly, but she was pretty impossible  _ not _ to detect. Black clouds spilled out - almost like chalk - and danced with a human liveliness to them.  _ Huh, neat. _

“Go for it.” I had no idea if she could actually hear me or not, but she began flying in my direction either way. Before the cloud got too close, I inhaled sharply and covered my mouth and nose with a sleeve. Maybe it was unnecessary, but it seemed like the nice thing to do.

Moments later, I was completely encompassed in the black fog. All around me, it puffed and spun and collapsed and exploded. Despite coming directly in contact with my eyes and skin, there was no feeling to it. Frictionless; completely devoid of texture. If not for the visuals, it would be quite a potent stealth tool.  _ But, like many other capes, this power’s usage isn’t immediately obvious. _

On top of the slippery nature of the fog, along with the obvious utility of being able to go through vents or anything like that, there was something of note. A slight tingle flushed over my face, and for a moment I thought I was being asphyxiated from how long I’d been holding my breath, but that concern was dismissed fairly quickly as I realized I was actually being  _ oxygenated  _ by the cloud.

_ What else is it doing? Am I being energized? Is this like Boon, or David, or something else? If it’s providing me with oxygen, there must be some other part to it. What is it?  _ I hurriedly analyzed each and every sensation I was feeling, comparing them to how I’d felt a minute earlier. Part of it was from genuine curiosity and desire to help out, despite my primary motive. As much as I’d never admit it, this  _ was _ fairly exciting.

Before I had time to figure out the extra effects, she was already moved off of me. The process of collecting and condensing back into a normal human person was a bit weird to look at, but it ended faster than I’d expected. Given what she’d said, I was able to reasonably assume that the process started sooner than it appeared to from an outside perspective.  _ I wish I’d been given more time. Maybe she doesn’t know about the oxygen thing? _

“Fwoo..” She seemed out of breath.  _ Mm, does it give  _ her _ oxygen to me? _ “There, done.”

“Right, that was fun. I have notes, if you want..?” She nodded. “So, I believe you may be able to distribute your nutrients into another person, probably only on command once you figure out how to work around that. Do you always have to catch your breath after this, or only when you pass through someone?”

“Uh.. Always, I think.”

“Okay.”  _ Well shit, now I look like an idiot.  _ “Well, maybe it still works. When you were over me, I avoided breathing, but I didn’t  _ need _ to breathe. Maybe it’s just oxygen, though, and not more than that, but that seems unlikely based on what I’ve seen in my research.”

“..Are you.. a scientist..?”

“Ah, uh, no. Just very interested in this sort of thing.”

“Gotcha.” The look on her face made it clear she did not ‘gotch’ me, but didn’t want to be rude by asking me more questions.  _ Respectable, I guess. _

“So, you emit, at the  _ very least, _ a livable amount of oxygen for a single person. Maybe with training and refinement, that can be expanded to other things?”  _ Performance enhancing effects, even. _

“Um, maybe?”  _ Wait. Shit. _ With all the effort I’d put into trying to see if this girl was a suitable replacement for David, I’d completely forgotten to be someone even remotely likable. The girl in front of me was not one who would be down for a casual meetup every once in a while to get me some brain juice. At best, she was someone who wouldn’t really mind if she never saw me again.

“Right, uh..”  _ No point in wasting my time. _ “Okay, I’m just going to go. Good luck.” 

“You too, I guess.”

_ Two more, at least. _

* * *

It wasn’t long before I was with the next guy, who seemed a fair bit more prepared. He had his own costume, albeit not a particularly fleshed out one. Like mine, it was largely composed of purple, though his was a slightly lighter shade overall. His hair was reminiscent of the one Legion clone - Sapphire? - but that was all I could really see of his face. The visor he had covering his eyes was pretty neat, if nothing else.

“Cheshire.” He looked the type to respect a direct approach. Just in case he was ‘the one’, I wanted to work a bit harder on leaving a good impression.

“I haven’t even begun to start with names.” He tapped his foot and took me in as I had done him. “You’re a bit more ‘capeish’ than the rest of the testers.”

“I’ve gotten that a lot tonight.”

“Mm. Well, no minding that. Want me to hop right to the demonstration, or do you need a briefing?”

“Go for it.”  _ To the point. _ “I’m a fast learner.”

“If you say so.” Holding his hand out with the palm up, an image flashed above it: a diamond, flickering into existence. It was a diamond not just in the sense of a crystal, but in its shape. As if he was holding up a piece of paper in  _ just _ the right way, the diamond appeared to be completely flat, devoid of a third dimension. Tilting his hand just slightly down, he willed it towards me. Drifting ever closer, I reached out to touch it and-

It fractured, and twisted, and curved, and bent and folded and  _ ripped _ and expanded and flew around and-  _ Holy fucking shit. _ It swirled all around me, closing in and sealing me in until I was wholly encompassed. I found myself constricted, but once again didn’t seem to suffer whatsoever in the breathing department. This time, at least, I was able to do the action itself, offering a bit more of a sense of familiarity.

Being unable to move was oddly calming for me, where others were predisposed to panicking in response. Long term would be awful, of course, but temporarily losing control - giving it  _ up _ \- was nice. So much of my day to day was me making a series of rash mistakes that alienated those around me and put myself in danger. Even this whole thing could probably be included in that.  _ But who am I to care? _

“Alright, phase two.” The voice was being manipulated somewhat; kind of like when one talked through a fan. After a few moments went by, my body lit up in a wave of static that held me in place far more than the diamond had. To say I was being electrocuted would’ve been exaggerating, but as someone who wasn’t familiar with the sensation, I certainly could’ve been tricked into believing such.

“This is wild. If you’re able to ramp this up, you could do some serious damage.” _ Please don’t take that as an invitation, though. _ Thankfully, he didn’t.

“Perhaps. You want out?”

“Mm..” I took in the feelings for just a moment longer, saying goodbye to something I’d likely never experience again. It wasn’t exactly pleasant, being comparable to a tickle while being chained in place, but it was still something  _ unique. _ Though not providing the same sort of brain boost as David had, my synapses sure were firing more than usual in response to all the stimuli. “Okay.”

And then, in an instant, the diamond pulled away and stripped me of its static in one dancing jolt.  _ Oh god, I’m tense. _ I stretched every part of my body as best as I could, with extra focus on my neck.  _ Even just for a few minutes, that sucks. _

“Not going to lie to you, that was fucking weird.”

“Mhm, that seems to be the general consensus. I wouldn’t know.”

“Right, yeah, Manton stuff. That sucks.”

“Oh, hmm.” He seemed more impressed with me for knowing that than I deserved. “You know your stuff, don’t you?”

“I guess, yeah. Do a lot of reading.”

“Hmm..” He gave me another lookover. “Neat. Maybe I’ll see you around some time.”

“Maybe.”  _ Nah, sorry bud. _

* * *

Finally, last but  _ absolutely _ not least, I was meeting up with the best shot I had at a replacement for David. At least, the best shot for this particular location on this particular night. In front of me stood an awkward boy with glasses, maybe a few years older than me.  _ A college student, perhaps? _

All he’d done to hide his appearance was to put on one of those doctor face masks, covering up his nose and mouth. Anyone who knew him would be able to instantly recognize him, which probably meant that he didn’t have that many people who would fulfil those requirements and give a shit. A loner, most likely.

“So..” he croaked.

“So,” I echoed. “We doing this?” He idly bit at his lip, and it thankfully didn’t seem to be for any horny reasons.

“Guess so.” He just stood there, watching me.  _ Do I have to do everything by myself? _ I stepped towards him, reaching out my hand. All he had to do was touch it and get this over with, but he had other plans. Stepping  _ backwards, _ away from me, he gave me a weird look. “Are you sure? It’s weird.”

“I can handle weird. Everyone here can handle weird.”  _ Just get this over with, come the fuck on. _ I reached forward a bit further, this time  _ inviting _ him to go ahead rather than encroaching on his territory. Enticed out of his displeased state, he complied with my wants and made contact.

_ Oh fuck. _ My mind raced and my heart pounded, faster and faster and faster as thoughts ran laps around the world, and  _ I  _ was the world; the perfectly effective, efficient,  _ exceptional _ god that I had always yearned for and always deserved. Perfect clarity, perfect divinity, perfect in all of my potency and not a shred of it shared. A being beyond life and further yet, beyond limitations. The polar opposite to the diamond guy; I was now  _ free, _ and not just in mind.

“I can move  _ so _ fucking fast.” Proving myself correctly, I ran around the room as fast as I could without slamming into walls from the sharp turns, and it was at least three times what I could get when I sprinted out in the open. After that got boring, I ran over to the guy and stopped just before crashing into him. “I have a business proposal for you if you’d be interested in hearing it which I think you should because this is absolutely incredible.”

“Uhh..” He swallowed. “When you mellow out a bit, we can talk.”  _ Right, of course, that’s understandable.  _ Excess energy was building up, so I hopped in place from foot to foot in a sort of still jog.  _ Okay, just get this out and then I can have a nice fun chat with the guy about making this a permanent part of my life, because apparently there’s a more mellow side of this and thus something that could pass for what David did for me, rather than- Oh! _

“Hey hey hey, how long does this last usually?”

“The really intense stuff goes away after a few minutes.”

“Oh good that’s perfect. That means I could get this and then just ride the high for a short while and then just a moment later I could very easily be good enough to go to school or anything like that really! This is wonderful, are you aware of how great your power is? You seriously won the lottery with this one, it’s actually fantastic.”

“..I wouldn’t know.”  _ Oh, is that a sore spot? Whoops, okay, try not to alienate the super awkward and shy guy, be friendly and chill and not freaky. _

“Ah yeah, that’s what the other guy said about his. You know about the Manton Effect? If not I could maybe tell you about all of that, that could be pretty cool I think, you know? I know that a lot of people don’t know about- Wait, that probably wouldn’t even apply in this case, huh, I guess you’ve just got a purely support-type power. That’s a little less lottery winning, if you know what I mean.”

The look the guy gave me was one of immense disappointment and mild discomfort.  _ Ah shit, right, sore spot. That makes sense, I think; it would suck to have this really  _ really _ cool power and only be able to give it to other people. I think I’d maybe cry if I got that, if when I get my power it’s something I can’t even utilize, I just toss it off to someone else. Yeah, I think that’d really suck. _

“Mm, sorry about that. I’m a bit more calm now, I think.” My heart had stopped trying to jump out of my chest, and with it the mobility seemed to be gone. A large majority of the mental effect remained, only really losing the hyperactivity, which combined with the normal movement to be almost a perfect replacement for David. Maybe even better than he ever was. “I’m sure I’ll get more used to that with time.”

“Time..” He bit at his lip again and shifted his weight to his other foot. “So you want me to use this on you.. a lot, then?”

“Well, depending on how long the secondary stage of the effect lasts, maybe not  _ a lot, _ exactly. You have any idea of the timeframe? A day or two, maybe a week?”

“Two hours.”  _ Shit. _ “Give or take.”

“Mm, well.. Maybe we could work to extend that time. I’ve helped a few people get better control of their powers. Even if not, I mean.. I could be fine with just the occasional boost. Once every couple days, maybe for big tests or something.”

“You want to use me.. to cheat.”

“Well, okay, no. You’ve got to understand, I’m currently looking for a replacement for someone who did what you do but for a much longer period of time and.. Okay, he’s not actually that similar to you powerwise, but still. I’m used to having this buff every hour of every day for the last two years.”

“So you’re addicted, and you want me to be your dealer.”

“..Yeah, basically. It’s not like that, though. Not  _ really.” _

“No?” It was clear I had a lot of work ahead of me if I wanted to convince him I wasn’t some crazy weirdo.  _ Which, I mean, is absolutely a lie. But still. I guess if I’m going to tell one lie, I might as well stack them on. _

“As you can infer from my costume, I’m a cape. It’s my job to be at peak performance. It lets me save lives far more efficiently and safely, and.. My power takes away some of my self control, you see. I enter a half-autopilot. Or, mm, it’s like when you’re riding a bike: you can’t turn instantly, there’s a delay from when you make the input to go left and when you’re actually there, and you can’t do sharp turns without coming to a complete stop.

“When I have something like what  _ you _ offer, though, I regain full control of myself and reduce the chance of random civilians getting hurt to functionally zero. So, basically, if you were to help me out, you’d be saving countless-”

_ Oh. Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh. Oh.  _ I laughed, and grit my teeth, and wanted to scream but couldn’t. Couldn’t afford to. I threw away my plan, the idea of lying to this guy and getting him to do his stupid shit to me, and I stared at him. Did he know? Could he have known?  _ One way to find out. _

“Your power’s a placebo,” I growled.

“What?” Confusion and concern fought against one another, with his face as the battlefield. He was fairly certain I was wrong, but on the off chance I was correct, the power I’d described mixed with my aggressive stance was enough to make him fearful. “It’s not, you and everyone else were inhumanly fast, and-”

_ “That  _ part is real, but the instant the speed is gone, the mental effect disappears as well, in full. What remains is the  _ illusion _ of improvement. Your power is fucking useless, I-” My fist gripped tightly, I held myself back. “Bye.” I left the room and the scared idiot behind, ignored the voices of the organizer and the crowd, and soon I was outside. All alone, having wasted the last couple hours of my life. It was useless, just like me.

So I ran. The night let my steps slam and echo far more fiercely than they otherwise would; the  _ hush _ being thoroughly dismantled.  _ And fuck it anyways. _ I stomped and flew through the streets and then the forest - always the fucking forest - and pretended I was fast again. Pretended I mattered, so well I could almost feel it, just inches away but never daring to come to me, never letting me be more than just  _ human. _

And I sat between some trees, and turned the dirt into mud, and ruined my costume, and there I was. Hands and feet, the ribs and head and lungs and hair and shreds of meat that covered my body, the flesh of a girl. Just a girl. Just Quinn Kelly, cape enthusiast and high schooler. All alone, and finally accepting of that. Finally understanding where I fit in the world, and  _ finally  _ coming to terms with it. In a solemn way, it was nice.

“Girl?” I jumped, facing the voice. A man, as simple as me but a decade or two older. “It is you, isn’t it?”

“What? Who are you?” I shuffled around, to my feet and up against a tree, eyes fiercely on the only person in the entire forest.  _ Who the fuck would ever- _

“You’re the girl who noticed me, right?”  _ Oh. _ “When you tripped and hurt your ankle.” It was the third massive realization in maybe half an hour, so I was almost used to it at that point. I hadn’t been alone, and my paranoia was actually justified. Compared to the last two world shattering events, it was pretty easy to shrug off.

“Yeah.” I wasn’t sure what else I could possibly say in response, but he didn’t seem to judge me for it. “And who are you, Stranger?” If I had nothing else, at least I never lost my ability to be a clever little bitch. Not only did my wit go unappreciated, but my question apparently was a fairly heavy one to ask, with the time it took to consider a response.

“You know me as Chimera.”

“Chi-?” The word escaped me partway upon me processing it. “Holy shit.” If not for the tree behind me, I would’ve taken another step back without even thinking about it. It wouldn’t have done anything if he was malicious, and in any other scenario it would just make him feel bad, so I was fairly thankful for the roadblock.

“I didn’t expect to see you again.” He smiled, which despite the many creepy guys I’d met in the last couple hours, came off as a purely wholesome and friendly act. “I should’ve known.”

“I’m guessing not a lot of people come to visit?”

“With the rumors of a tree-dwelling monster-vigilante, no. No more than hunts from the Protectorate, at least.”

“Oh yeah, that sucks.” Now feeling a fair bit safer, I took a few steps closer to him. Seeing as I didn’t have much to lose, I took off my mask as well. He’d seen my face before, and even if he hadn’t, it wasn’t like I really had a cape identity to protect. “I think I’ve read that Radar’s given you some close calls? I always rooted for you, even before I realized the guy’s a tool.”

“Mm, that’s not true. My power plays around his, just barely. He senses me  _ somewhere, _ but his range betrays him in this one case. He knows that the only person who would be in the area is me, but he can’t quite focus on me enough to track me down exactly. I could be anywhere he can see, basically.”

“Oh.” After a moment of consideration, I sat down and invited him to do the same, which he respectfully complied with. “Mm, wait, so is his range actually stupid large? I’d heard that, but I thought it was just some dumb shit someone made up.”

“It’s quite large, yes.”

“Damn.” I scooted a bit closer, not caring about staining my costume the tiniest bit more. “So, okay, then I guess you heard all of my stupid yelling?”  _ Not like he could’ve forgotten, and clearly he doesn’t give a shit, so.. _

“I wouldn’t call it stupid. I’m very impressed by you, girl. And curious.”

“Ah, I’m Quinn.” He nodded.

“Quinn it is.”

“Mm.” I smiled at my new.. friend?  _ Maybe? _ “So why do  _ I _ impress  _ you?” _

“You’re the only one who managed to almost completely see through my guise.”

“Ah, right.” I sighed. “Yeah, well, that’s not anything I did.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. You can thank my counselor, David. He gave me superhuman focus, let me sense you I guess. Maybe don’t thank him, actually, he’s a bit of a dick. I’ve been working on finding a replacement. You don’t happen to have anything like that in your bundle of stuff, do you?”

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“Damn.”  _ That’d be too convenient. _ “Well, yeah, so don’t think I did anything. Don’t deserve any of that credit.”

“Mm. Maybe.”  _ Maybe? What’s that supposed to mean? _

“Anyways, uh.. Can I ask something that might be kind of stupid?” He nodded. “Okay, well.. I guess I don’t understand why you do all of this. Why you don’t just join the Protectorate or whatever.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Too unpredictable.”

“What, your powers? Ri-”  _ Whoops. _ “Shift mentioned you started throwing fire at her and Willy with no real warning.”

“Mm.”  _ I guess that’s a ‘yeah’? _

“Okay, well, they have stuff to help with that. Pretty sure loads of people go in with little control of their powers, and then after some training or whatever they get things better figured out.”

“I’m not sure if that would work here.”

“Can’t hurt to find out, right? I think it’d clear a lot of the heat on you if you were open about this stuff, too. No more witch hunts, you know?”

“I.. guess that would be nice.”

“Fuck yeah it would be. Believe me, if I had the option of joining the Wards, I would take it without question.” He let the comment sit, rather than questioning me. Maybe he knew I wasn’t really a cape, or maybe he just didn’t want to intrude. Either way, it was nice.

“Here.” He got up and reached a hand out for me to take, and then brought me to my feet. “You should go home. I’ll do as you said.”

“Sounds good. It’s pretty late, I could use the sleep.”

“Mhm.” We started walking off in similar but different directions, but he had more to say before we got too far apart. “If this doesn’t work out, you can find me out here. I’m available to talk most of the time, and I do get lonely.”

“Hell yeah.” With that said, we left each other’s reasonable communication range, and I was alone again. It was fine, though.  _ Really, I’m fine. _ I’d found a peace of some form, and I was going to abide by it as best I could. Until further notice, I was simply Quinn Kelly, cape enthusiast and high schooler, and that was okay.


	5. Ignite 5.4 R

“Quinn didn’t come home last night.”

“Yeah?” Vincent wasn’t my usual go-to for venting and advice getting, but I could definitely see why Quinn liked him. Maybe if we didn’t have to use up time with my power I’d have felt more comfortable talking to him regularly.

“Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe she went back to her dad’s place? I hope not, that.. I’d hate to be the reason she did that. And, I mean, I don’t know if she was at school or not, obviously. Didn’t really feel up to doing it before next Monday, and I think everyone’s understanding of that. I don’t know if she went, or if she’s like.. I don’t know.”

“Could’ve gone to her mom’s?”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, that’s actually really smart thinking. I mean, her mom’s not great, but better than her dad, and.. Yeah, you’re probably right. With luck, she won’t be doing anything stupid, but you know how she is.”

“Mhm.”

“Mm..”  _ While I can see why Quinn likes it, I just feel like I’m bothering the guy every time I open my mouth. Even now, he doesn’t  _ say _ anything, really. I guess maybe I should try a question, probably.  _ “So, um, mm.. You ever think about how different you would be if you didn’t know someone, or spend so much time with them? Like,  _ ‘would I still have my anger stuff if Quinn wasn’t my best friend?’ _ and that sorta thing.” He considered it for a long enough of a moment to let me know I was going to get a real response.

“I think people impact each other a lot; that much is undeniable. However, I know that there are inherent aspects of a person that can’t be erased or morphed. Whether they’re from something like a soul or the result of unfathomable layers of instinctual conditioning from evolution, I can’t say, but it’s undeniable.

“People have some form of a ‘core’, and that’s most evident when looking at those who’ve supposedly had their entire self removed by a Master. Little bits of the old them shine through, I’ve seen as much with my own eyes. Anger issues usually come from a mix of circumstance and ancestors, from what I’ve heard, but I don’t know if you really have ‘anger issues’, or if it’s just that you’re fairly reasonably angry about things that upset you. If anything, you seem to repress it far more than you let it out. You  _ have _ gone through a lot of trauma, very recently.”

“..Huh.”  _ That was certainly a real response, alright. _ “That’s.. Thank you, yeah. As always, you’re very helpful.”  _ And I’m a leech. _ “Uh, if you ever want my help with anything..?”

“Nah, I’m good. Thanks though.” I didn’t feel great about being thanked for just  _ offering _ to support someone who regularly had my back, but I didn’t say anything.

“Alright, well, any time. I’ve got all the time in the world. We could even have a three hour chat in the middle of class.”  _ I’ve considered doing that a fair few times with Quinn.  _ “I mean, it’d be safer to go out to the hall or something instead, obviously, but you get the idea.”

“I’ll consider it.” A few seconds passed before I realized he was giving me  _ the look: _ where he didn’t really want to outright  _ ask _ to wrap things up, but he definitely really was done with the conversation.

“Okay, well, thanks again. You can go back to.. whatever it was you were doing.”

“Mhm.”

I shifted us out, and he walked off. As soon as he was out of immediate earshot, I let out a sigh of relief.  _ Fuck. Even just talking to him, it’s.. Even something like that, something fairly casual, something.. guh. I’m a traitor. I’m a traitor, there’s.. There’s no other way to put it. I give Quinn all this shit for doing villainous shit, but I’m worse. I’ve been worse. She deserves powers so much more than me, she’d be so much better, I.. _

_ I’m not even a good traitor, too. _ I headed to my room to brood or freak out or whatever was going to come to me in the next however long.  _ That’s kinda pathetic, isn’t it? I’m a weasel but I’m not even good at it. A redcoat. Or.. No, wrong word. Whatever, it’s stupid. It’s stupid, I’m stupid, it’s.. ugh. _

Reaching my door, I went in and surveyed the room to determine where I wanted to go. There wasn’t anything I wanted from my computer, so I just plopped down on the bed.  _ How am I even supposed to contact them? It’s been a few days now, and nothing. At what point do I just assume I hallucinated the whole thing out of some desperate solitary confinement thingy? I mean, the whole thing seems pretty fucking ridiculous now that I’ve had some time to process it. _

_ I don’t know, maybe I’ll.. I don’t know. Hopefully I find out soon, because I have questions that I need answered, and.. Bleh.  _ I rolled over onto my side, facing the wall, and sighed.  _ I’d probably have a better time being contacted if I wasn’t staying inside all the time. Is that why I’m doing that? Why I haven’t gone out? Because I’m.. scared, or something..? _

_ Maybe so. _

* * *

_ One, two, dodge, block, shift, strike, dodge, block, shift, strike, punch, dodge, block, shift around and kick them down. _ Punching bags didn’t exactly fall over, but the basic idea still applied. The hardest part was trying not to make the dodging of the bag flying back at me a part of my routine, since most enemies wouldn’t be attacking immediately after collapsing to the ground.

That said, there were plenty of enemies who would be able to completely ignore my technique. At times, I wondered if I should even bother finding a rhythm of my own when I so frequently had to discard it to adapt to my opponent, but those thoughts never went very far. Practice was practice, if nothing else. Even if the Attritions and Eagles of the world could negate that practice, it was still good to have it in the first place.

Of course, there was a decent chance that Partition or Willy or even  _ Quinn _ would tell me I should instead ‘just research all of the likely potential opponents and plot out ways to counter them’, but the likelihood of that leading to major burnout was basically infinity percent. In other words, it wasn’t really a genuine possibility.

_ You know, assuming things go Red Iron-ways, it might be nice to have like a.. mentor? I’ve trained with Partition and a few of the Protectorate, but none of them are like.. like  _ her. _ It’d be nice to have someone put so much of their effort into making me a better me, in a kinda ‘cheating the system’ sorta way. Which.. I don’t know, in this case I don’t really mind the idea. Whether or not I’d mind it in practice.. I don’t know. _

_ I don't know, I guess I should go outside and hope Willy contacts me, or whoever. Can't patrol because I'd need an adult, and that obviously doesn't work. So I guess I'll just go? Clock out or whatever. Maybe I can-  _ I checked the time, a little after three.  _ Yeah, maybe I can see if Quinn's okay. _

Having finished up my training, I gathered my things and headed out of the room. The technique of shifting through the halls to avoid talking to people was one I was getting a little too good at, but it was the sorta thing that could come in handy, so..  _ Fuck it. _ I got out of the building and looked around to decide what direction to go.

If I hurried, I could probably have intersected Quinn on the way home -  _ if _ she’d gone to school, and  _ if _ she would be coming to my place. The effort didn’t seem worth it, with such low odds, but I wasn’t sure what else to do. Going by the place I’d been held wouldn’t do anything, since they’d been flushed out of there a couple days ago, but without that I had no idea of where to look.

_ Do I just wait for them to find me? I know that was the plan, but like.. What if this is some sorta test? Like, I don’t know, I have to track them down to prove that I’m worthy of being whatever. That.. doesn’t seem likely. A lot of work was put into me already, they wouldn’t just drop me off and pray that I figure something out. _

_ I don’t know, fuck. This whole thing is so stupid, it’s like.. I want to get advice, but anyone I could ask is like.. I don’t know? It’s not like there’s a guide to how to deal with this exact situation; I doubt more than a few other people have been in the place I’m in, at most. I don’t know. _

_ Guess I’m just going to walk around randomly and hope something happens. And.. not text Quinn, I guess. I don’t know. If she texts me, that’s good, but I.. Guh. I just can’t handle her right now, as much of a piece of shit as that makes me. Sometimes you just have to have some space, and.. I haven’t had space in so long. Since I got powers, I guess. _

_ It’s been a fucked up month. It’s been a  _ month, _ I still can’t believe that. So much has happened, it feels like it’d take ages to even remember it all. And for a month, since.. since  _ that, _ Quinn’s been different. And I don’t blame her, but it’s.. It just all happened at such an awful time. I could deal with a shitty fight against the Marshals, or a kidnapping, or my best friend’s psychotic break, or losing my mom, or any of it if it was just  _ that, _ but it’s.. It’s just so much. I’m so tired. _

_ Maybe that’s why it sounds nice to have someone do the work of improving me for me. To just give up and be a puppet, guided along by strings. Just so long as it’s not in a Master way. Never that. But I don’t need to send myself into another one of those freakouts, so I’ll think about.. _

_ Ugh. _ I decided to give up on thinking for a bit, heading into an alley and leaning against one of the walls. It was so hard to deal with all of the issues in my life, and I didn’t have a way out. The closest one, as much as it made me sick, was to just go under Willy’s wing. The sickness was a feeling that had concerningly lessened quite a bit in a very short amount of time, like my moral rationality was being rapidly stripped away in favor of just having a  _ break. _

“There we go.” I blinked my eyes open and turned to see Willy in civilian clothing, and immediately moved away from the wall and straightened my posture. “I waited all day for you to leave, and then spent five minutes following you before you actually stopped.”  _ Oh. _ “You’re a hard girl to catch up to.”

“Sorry.” I intended to give her a normal smile, but I could feel my anxiety shining through. “Uh, should we be staying here?”

“Probably not.” She held her hand out for me to grab it, and nothing more needed to be said or done for me to know what she wanted. I complied, having no reason not to, and shifted us in. In less time than I expected, she was adjusted. “Good, much better.”

“That’s still really weird to me. Most people hate it here.”

“Mm.” She glanced around, still squinting a little bit to avoid overstimulation. “I didn’t mean it that way, but we can follow that line of thought as we walk.” Grabbing onto my sleeve and guiding me, she started walking and I followed along. We were going back in the direction I’d come from.  _ There’s probably some symbolism there. _ “So, you think I handle the effects of your power better than others?”

“Um, yeah. At least, it seems that way, but I could be wrong.”

“You shouldn't do that, you know.”

“Do what?”

“Specify that you might be wrong about something, especially when I already asked if you  _ ‘think’ _ it’s the case. It’s implicit; everything anyone says could be wrong, it just makes you seem like you’re not confident in anything you say.”

“I mean, I’m not.”

“Your enemies don’t need to know that.”  _ Mm.. That kinda makes it sound like she’s calling herself my enemy, since she’s telling me not to do it now, but I get what she meant. Still, maybe it’s like.. a sign or something. I don’t know.  _ “We’ll work on it. You’ve got plenty of time.”

“Okay..”  _ I guess that’s what I asked for, more or less. ‘We’ usually means ‘me, through you’. _

“Anyways, how many other non-capes have you used your power on?”

“Uhh..”  _ Just Quinn, right? _ “Just my friend, unless I’m forgetting something.” She made an ‘ah’ sound in the same way that you’d do to condition a dog. “Right, just my friend.” An approving squeeze to my hand made me feel.. kinda nice? Embarrassed, sorta, but accomplished.

“How has she handled it?” I got what she was suggesting, if a bit slower than I would’ve liked. At least I could blame it on how tired I was, this time.

“She dealt with it better than I did, at first. No idea if she’s still ahead of me or not, with how much extra experience I have now. We thought for a while it might’ve been because of how close we are? That people I knew and trusted handled it better. But that theory got kinda debunked. But you might be right about it being people without powers, for some reason. Seems counterintuitive, but I mean.. powers are weird.”

“Indeed. Maybe it has something to do with the changes people go through when they trigger.”

“What?”

“Oh, have you not noticed? People behave differently after a trigger. For some it’s in fairly small ways, and others it’s quite large. My old boss, for instance, became a far more aggressive person in a matter of days. Maybe part of it was the trauma, but there’s no way the old him could’ve ended up like that so quickly, no matter what happened.”

“Ah..”  _ Then, have I..? _ She must have picked up my discomfort and hesitation. 

“I wouldn’t know to what extent you’ve been changed, but you could probably figure it out yourself. You’re a smart girl. Or, failing that, your friend could probably help.”

“Mm, we’re.. not on the best terms right now.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah.”  _ Bleh. _

Not long after that, we arrived at our destination: a dreary, abandoned warehouse. It was almost comical just how cliche it was for it to be a secret hideout, but I guessed that it made sense. Nobody was going to be paying us much mind, at least.

Once inside, I took in the somewhat unimpressive view. It wasn't fair to blame them for the lack of flair, but it was hard not to compare it to the old headquarters, or even the building where I'd been held. There was a lot of open space between the boxes, at least, but that was a backhanded compliment at best. At least I hadn't said it out loud.

"This is where we'll be doing our business together. Apologies for the looks, but I haven't had time to get someone to fix this place up. Higher priorities."

"Oh, um, it's fine."

"You don't need to be polite to the point of lying, though I do appreciate the gesture. This isn't our main hideout at present; you understand the need to keep you at some level of distance at first, I presume."

"Of course."

"With time and work, trust will be built, and I'll be able to let you into the  _ deeper circle." _ She said the last bit in a jokingly haunting voice, stretching out and exaggerating the seriousness in a way I had grown to not expect from her. A side of her I hadn't seen, or just an attempt to connect with me?  _ Mm.  _ "Here, sit." She gestured to a chair in the middle of an opening with more things strewn aside than contained in boxes. I took the seat, as awkward as it felt with nothing in front of me, and Willy fiddled with something behind me.

"What are you doing back there?”

“Don’t look back. Forge was a bit more thorough in hiding it than I expected, but I’ll have it in a moment.”  _ It..? Does she mean-  _ I stopped myself before getting my hopes up.  _ Just be patient. _ After what felt like another full minute of rummaging through boxes, the noise stopped and she walked back into my view with her hand behind her back. Despite my best intentions, my heart was racing with anticipation.

“So,  _ Blueline,” _ she teased.

“Y-” My words caught in my throat. I cleared it. “Yeah?” She smiled at me.

“I stayed up all night working on it.” She brought a costume out from behind her and presented it to me. It was primarily black, with thin blue lines running along it in a way I likened to my imagination of what the inside of a computer would look like if you were to flatten it out and make it symmetrical. It almost looked like the lining of an expensive suit, with deviations here and there, which seemed a little weird given the fabric being.. whatever capes usually used for costumes.

“Huh.” As nice as it was, it wasn’t the thing I’d specifically tried and failed not to get too excited about.

“Ah, damn.” She stopped holding it up, disappointed, but didn’t let her hands go down enough for it to touch the ground and get dirty. “I thought about waiting to see your thoughts on the design before I made it, but as I mentioned you’ve not been easy to track down.”

“Oh, um, no, I like it.”

“Mm?” She perked up a bit at that, which somewhat lessened my own disappointment. It was nice seeing that behind her serious exterior, she still had some..  _ childishness, I guess? _

“Yeah, no, I just.. It’s not what I expected, but it’s good.”

“Mm. The hormones, I assume?” I nodded, feeling like a bit of a bitch for rushing her on something she was giving me for free. “These things take time.” Before I could apologize, she continued.  _ “Usually, _ at least, but you’re in luck. Failsafe is in the middle of an exchange as we speak.” My heart skipped a beat and my head-  _ Aaaa! Holy shit holy shit holy shit! _ I bounced out of my seat and gripped my hands tight to stop myself from flailing all over the place, but I-  _ Fuck, holy shit! _

“This is- Oh my god, I-” Excited giggles overtook my words, forcing me into a stupid, awkward little dance. All of the tension of the past month was  _ nothing _ in comparison to the relief and joy I was finally being allowed to feel. For the first time in forever, I was  _ happy. _

“You’re quite cute.” Hearing someone else’s words again was enough of a reminder that what I was doing wasn’t typically considered socially acceptable. I calmed down a  _ little _ bit, but I was still bouncing uncontrollably from side to side. “You’ll make an even cuter woman.”

“I’m-” I exhaled harshly, and followed it up with a couple deep breaths, composing myself and trying my best to stay calm. “Thank you.” The burst of excitement having ended, I was left with just the feeling of gratitude. And, to an increasing extent, anxiety. “Sorry.”

“You’ve done nothing wrong. I’m glad at least one of my surprises made you happy.” She smiled at me, and I smiled back.  _ Don’t forget who you’re talking to. _ My expression dropped as my problems flooded back.  _ Right. _

“Um, we should.. You had something you wanted me to do? I mean, like, I’m just guessing but it’d make sense. No reason to bring me here if you didn’t have.. yeah.”  _ Guh. _

“Mm..” She’d definitely noticed the change in my tone -  _ who the fuck wouldn’t? _ \- but decided not to press it. “Well, we have a few options. Depending on what you’re wanting to do, we could discuss our future together in more depth, or I could help you train, or I could even just offer some advice. A healthy mind is important.”

“I just spent ages training, but not very effectively. Talk for a little bit about our future, then you can teach me stuff?”

“That sounds lovely.” She smiled and pulled up a box to sit on. “So..”

“So..” I echoed.

“Well, I’m leaving it up to you what we focus on. The future is a very generalized topic; what do you want to talk about specifically?”

“Uh..”  _ Is she doing this to train me to be more assertive or confident?  _ “I guess the kinds of missions I’ll be doing?”

“Sounds good.” She straightened her posture even further, when it was already ridiculously refined for someone sitting on a box. “I’m sure you’ve gathered that you won’t be doing anything major until I’ve had a while to prepare you, but if you’re eager for work then I can absolutely offer you some smaller, lower-risk tasks.”

“Like what?”

“Mm, well..” She pondered for a moment. “You could be a very effective scout, for one thing, which is always of value. Haven’t had one since Blank ran off to join the Aviary.”

“Wait, who?”

“Crow, dear.”

“Oh.” The misfit Stranger of the Aviary whose name only lived on by word of mouth had apparently been a Red Iron member at some point.  _ I guess it’s no surprise I never knew about that. _ “Weird.”

“I suppose it would seem that way.” She sighed. “Anyways, you could be a satisfactory replacement for her, with significantly more utility elsewhere. Transportation of goods or people, giving us essentially double the time to prepare for anything we need to do.. There’s a lot you have to offer, even before we get into the more advanced missions.”

“Huh, I guess..” The idea that I was not just useful, but _wanted_ was kinda weird to me. _Have I really gotten so used to feeling like a useless piece of shit that_ that _is enough to surprise me?_ _It’s just a glorified delivery girl and one of the things I’ve been doing for the Wards since day one - that’s it. What the fuck is wrong with me?_

“You shouldn’t guess on this, my child. You are going to be  _ incredibly _ valuable.” My heart thumped as I attempted to somehow swallow down my reaction, but it wasn’t enough to avoid a newly familiar heat spreading across my cheeks. I’d never really  _ blushed _ before I came out as a girl, and that fact made me feel kinda guilty. How much of it was me letting myself do things I previously hadn’t due to gender norms, and how much of it was creepy, subconscious enforcement of stereotypes. Of course, though, I’d forgotten to respond to the compliment.

“Sorry, thank you. Got distracted.”

“It’s alright. This is your time; you can do whatever you want or need with it.”

“Right.”  _ My time. ‘My’ time.  _ The idea didn’t sit well with me. It  _ was  _ my time, and I was spending it how I wanted to, but that in itself bothered me. Why was I so content with being ‘valuable’, or with being puppeted in a non-literal sense? Why was it so hard for me to view myself as a  _ person, _ rather than some.. some something thing?

Most important was a horrifying thought that crept up on me in the silence: Was I like this on some level before Willy kidnapped me, and the events simply drew it out of me, or had she  _ changed _ me? Was she like David, pulling the strings on a far-too-personal level and feigning being a civilian all the while? Was the reason I hadn’t considered this thought yet her doing, too? In the world of capes, I was rapidly learning that there was no such thing as  _ ‘too _ cautious’. And yet, despite that..

“Let’s start training. I want you to.. refine me, or whatever you said.” The soft smile that came shortly after I stopped talking was all I needed to know, for now, that this was the right thing to do. Grander plans could be formed later with intense scrutiny and attention to detail, but for the time being I just wanted to be better. A better fighter, a better cape, or.. anything. Just better.

“Alright then.” She got up and gestured for me to do the same, which I did. Then, she held out the Blueline costume to me. “Change into this.” I grabbed it and looked around for a good spot. “With your power, dear.”

“Oh. Duh.” A moment later, I was in the blue and hoping I’d feel a little less stupid by the time I was back out. Despite having done it a few times before, and despite knowing there was no risk involved, I wasn’t really feeling like getting naked in front of people. Even blue outline people. 

I found a nice set of boxes to hide behind and got changed, taking note of how weird it was to be in a ‘new’ feeling costume again. After getting everything adjusted, I went back to the open and dumped my civilian clothes on my chair. A quick deep breath, and..

“Don’t worry, we all- Ah, well there you go.” She took a moment to inspect me - the extra attention to my body making me a little uncomfortable. “You look wonderful.”

“Mm..” She smiled at me, and despite my discomfort, I smiled back.  _ People being nice is nice. This is nice, and good, and I’m going to be a better person at the end of all of this. No matter what, I’m growing. Training my body and mind and.. soul? Mm, and isn't my mind a part of my body? This is stupid. _ "So, what first?"

"Combat or research, your pick."

"Combat," I said without hesitation. My body was a bit sore, but I  _ really _ didn't want my mind to be bored as hell. Or, worse, confused and frustrated.

"Sounds good. What have you been learning in Ward training?"

"Ward training?" I gave her a shrug. "It's not as formal as that, I don't think. If it is, nobody told me. I don't think there's any classes or anything, just a lot of one on one or.. We did a thing once where Boon and Partition worked together to see how long they could last against the rest of us. That was pretty fun, even if I felt a little out of place. Most of the time it’s just some more personal training, since we’ve all got different stuff we have to account for.”

“Hmm. Then they don’t value teaching the fundamentals to all of the Wards?” I shrugged again. “Interesting.” The contemplative look on her face reminded me that I was giving out intel to a  _ wanted supervillain. _ Something in  _ my _ face must’ve tipped her off to what I was thinking, though, because she was quick to shut me down.

“Oh, no, not in that way. It’s just such a wildly different system from what was used for me, and what I use for those I train. I’ve never instructed a cape on something that wasn’t tailored to them, though, since most of who I recruit are already capable in that regard, so I guess it’s just a new world. Well, ‘new’, if you can call it that. I was simply late to the game; trapped in my own little world.” A wistful sigh escaped her lips, a fraction of vulnerability flashing out. “Ah, but ignore me. Let’s get to work.”

“Right.”  _ A wanted supervillain who.. who I hate that I’m starting to really care about. Fuck. _ “..The basics?” She nodded.

“The basics.”

* * *

“That’s Simulacrum, she’s relatively new and hasn’t done much yet. It’s important to shut her down as quickly as you can, due to the exponential nature of her power and her attitude thus far.”

“Oh yeah, my friend’s talked about her a little bit. Weird, laid back so-called vigilante who just kinda shows up and fucks around until everyone has to focus on her, heroes and villains alike. Right?”

“Mhm. Of course, she does this by..?”

“..Controlling the battlefield?”

“Controlling.. the.. battlefield!” She emphasized each word with a wave of her hand, reinforcing just how important this concept was to her, as she’d hinted at _every_ time the topic had come up. “Yes, very good. In the world of capes, controlling the battlefield is not only _important_ \- it’s vital. Shakers are the most obvious, but everyone has an important role to fill. Even those who don’t impact the environment directly can still work on neutralizing those who _can.”_

“You, for instance, have a power that excels at that. That’s why target priority is so important for you to-” Before the lecture could continue, the sound of the door opening rang through and clunkily echoed along the ceiling.

“Anybody home?” The voice was that of a guy, and based on Willy’s reaction, it was Failsafe.

“We’re over here,” she called out. After some shuffling about, Failsafe popped out from between two of the box mountains.  _ Now that I think about it, I wonder how many of these boxes are actually full. I kinda took for granted the idea that these were all being used for storage, but with how many of them there are, stacked all the way up.. This is a sorta ridiculous amount of effort put into making a maze of boxes that only me and a couple others will see. These guys’ work ethics are ridiculous. _

“Hey boss. Blueline.” He threw a lazy wave in my direction, and I reciprocated. Then he tossed a box to me, which I nearly dropped but managed to shift to catch. “Cool.”

“Thank you, Failsafe,” Willy said. “We can discuss the funds later.”

“Yep.” I stared at the tiny clear box of purple and pink pills in my hand, and they stared back at me. One tiny little latch was all that separated me from.. from..  _ Oh my god. _ “Well, bye then.”

“Goodbye.” After a moment, Willy patted me on the back and spoke softly. “Say goodbye, dear.”

“Oh, uh-” I straightened myself out a bit and called out, “Thanks, Failsafe!” The only response was the door opening and closing, and he was gone. With that out of the way, I went back to inspecting the box. What was I supposed to even do about this?  _ It.. It’s really here. Right here, right.. in front of me. _

“Go ahead, then. One pill a week for twenty-six weeks.”

_ “Twenty-six?” _ I looked up at her, baffled. “That’s.. half a  _ year.” Like.. May? _

“Yes, well, the safest options tend to be a bit slower. Better than a one time thing where you experience more pain than you’ve ever imagined for longer than anyone could handle, isn’t it? That’s ignoring the fact of how attention-grabbing such a sudden change would be. And even with all that considered, it’s still faster than this would normally take, and much more effective.”

“More effective how? And.. how does it.. work? If you know?”

“The purple pills in the left compartment are for the first three months, and they simply work as a fast-acting version of normal hormone replacement therapy, with less of the awkward or physically uncomfortable parts.” I turned the box over on its side to inspect the purple pills more closely. They had a little white line going around them from one end to the other. “Only the first few doses are critically important, with the rest falling off in effectiveness over the months like most Tinker tech does, but it’s still a good idea to take them all.

“The pink ones are where most of the cost comes from.” I flipped it over to look at them, but they were just completely pink without any other fancy stuff on them. “I’m not sure exactly how it’s done, but those have a delay on when they start being able to work. They..  _ finalize _ the process, if you will.”

“Like.. You mean..?”

“Ah, not quite like that. Admittedly, I had some difficulty understanding everything I was told about them, but the general idea is that it reinforces the HRT’s effects and makes them permanent, by rewriting some of the coding in your body chemistry. Beyond just permanent, even, going so far as to make it as if it was always the case. As if you were always a girl, aside from that one part.”

“Holy shit..” The idea just..  _ holy shit. In six months, that’s.. In  _ six months _ I could be.. more than I ever imagined, I.. I.. _ Thoughts stopped coming to my head in coherent form, instead just flopping around like a lot of overwhelmed mush.

“That last bit is something that can be dealt with when the time comes. If you so desire, of course, though I don’t imagine you’d want to give up the opportunity to be functionally indistinguishable from a normal girl.”

“I..”  _ Do I? I mean, I.. I could be.. It.. _ “Guh. Sorry, I can’t think, um..” I shook my head a bit, trying to clear it. “I’ll.. I’ll think about that later? If that’s okay, I..”  _ Six months and all of this is just a bad dream. My whole life, my.. everything, I’m just.. me. Six months and I’m me. _

“Of course.” A hand - hers - rubbed my back, and quickly became background noise to the sensations of the world. So many problems with this idea, so many things I’d have to do and explain and.. and none of it mattered. None of it at all was of any importance.

_I’m.._ I snapped open the latch of the box. _I’m.._ Reaching in, I grabbed one of the little, unbelievably small purple blobs. Just a shape, just a little thing, and.. _I’m.._ Laying it out on my tongue, I felt like I could gag. Not from taste or fear or anything, just.. just.. _I’m.. I’m.._ _I.._ I swallowed it down, fighting the inexplicable reaction my body was having, and..

_ I’m Riley Green. _ And as the pill slid down and dissolved and flowed through me faster than I could’ve ever expected, the lightning and love and safety I’d always dreamed of seeping into me, I knew..  _ I’m Riley Green, and I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m a part of this family, now, no matter what, and nothing’s going to change that. _


	6. Ignite Interlude - Chimera

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally wouldn’t do this sort of thing, but I feel it’s very important for me to say that this chapter is built with a lot of love, care, research, and experience. My intent with quite a bit of my work is to approach and deconstruct stigma in a way that is, if not relatable, at least understandable to a general audience. Given how much stigma (and misinfo) is spread in this case, I felt the need to make this note. Thank you for reading Fade, and I hope you enjoy.

_ I don't know about this.  _ She never did. He hated that about her, even if he respected it for what it was. She had to be like this, for the good of all of them. Of course, even the concept of ‘all’ was still a bit new to him. Half the time he didn’t even believe that they were real, or blamed it on some side effect of the power or perhaps simply just some kind of psychosis.

Over the years since the trigger, though, it’d become undeniable. Research and experience had made it impossible to maintain his default state of denial for more than a few hours every month or so. It was simply too obvious what was going on with him for him to lie to himself about it, no matter how much he wanted to. No matter how nice it would be to be able to be ignorant again, at times.

_ They hunted us, Tom. _ He knew. He  _ understood _ that, but he also knew that-  _ You really think they’re going to stop if we tell them about us? We’ll end up in jail, or worse. People like us don’t get happy endings, we don’t get to waltz up the heroes and get anywhere by being  _ honest _ with them _ . _ They’ll hurt us. If you aren’t willing to consider your own safety, think of the rest of us. I know you don’t like it, but you need to accept your responsibility in keeping us out of harm. I can’t do everything. _

While Tom didn’t exactly  _ like _ considering the thoughts and feelings of other people he only barely knew on matters that  _ should _ have only had an impact on himself, he was more willing to do it than Athene was suggesting. That said, he wasn’t undeserving of the scrutinous behavior, given his track record. He knew he had a tendency to ‘do what’s best for them’ without much input or consideration for their individual wants, with the most notable of that being the decision to camp out in the forest all the time.

_ Look, just.. do what you think is best, and I’ll support you in it, but please don’t rush a decision like this. And.. thank you for coming and asking me about this. It means a lot to me. I care about you, Tom, and I hope you know I wish you didn’t have to be burdened by us. I’m trying my best, I assure you. _ He sighed and nodded, solemnly smiling through the mouth he could only partially call ‘his’.

She, again, was right; there wasn’t much she  _ could _ do to help out that wasn’t being done, and that had been true for decades. Put completely bluntly, it was an impossible existence for him to imagine. Spending every moment of every day for most of your life working on keeping a select few people safe was a ridiculous idea, even if those people were basically family. The perspective had become slightly more understandable after he got his powers, though.

Then again, it had been a long time since he’d actually been the one to save anybody. His power wasn’t really tailored towards  _ helping _ people, if you ignored the flight that they all shared. All it did was let him avoid dealing with people, which was admittedly a very nice thing to have, but he couldn’t really do much that the rest of the system wouldn’t be better suited for.

None of that mattered at the moment, though. If the decision was his alone to make, then it had already been decided an hour prior. He walked through the front door of the Protectorate headquarters and took it in. There weren’t many people around in the main office at such a late time of night - just a secretary who looked awake enough to have only just recently arrived. He approached her, watching as she simply continued to fill out paperwork as if she were alone.

“Hello,” he said. She jumped in her seat, though not as much as people usually tended to when they thought they were all alone before he revealed himself.

“Gah, sorry sir, didn’t hear you come in.” She collected some papers that she’d flung around a bit and smoothened herself out, then smiled at him. “Alright, hi, how can I help you?”

“I’d like to join the Protectorate.” She blinked, processing what was said a second later.

“Oh! Oh wow, alright. That’s very..” She smiled at him and nodded somewhat stupidly, before getting ready to make a call. “Good for you. It’s not every day we get new heroes.”

“Yeah, well..” He sighed and nodded. “Yeah. Lots of bad in the world.” She nodded as well, before a realization hit her.

“Mm, uh.. Do you want me to get you a mask?” 

“No, I’m fine.”

“I know it’s late, but there’s still chance of someone else coming in and seeing-”

“I’m fine,” he insisted.

“..Okay.” She didn’t get it, but she didn’t have to. “One moment, then.” Putting a finger up to make it explicitly clear she needed to pause the conversation, she picked up the phone, a voice coming through to respond impossibly quickly. He couldn’t tell what was being said, but the secretary’s expression was enough to let him know she wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction either. “Yes, sir.” She hung up and looked at him. “Well, it seems that Radar was expecting you. Before you ask, I don’t know how. Not my job to, sorry.”

“Not a concern, I should’ve expected as much.”

“Ah, well.. alright then. He’ll be down in a moment. Feel free to take a seat, or anything you’d like.” He waved to acknowledge her and stepped off to the side, letting the woman return to her work.  _ I suppose it’s only natural that it’d be him, isn’t it?  _ This time his thoughts were his own; he made an attempt to reach out to Athene, but she seemed to have drifted too far off, probably with intent of managing the rest of the system as best she could.  _ Mm, the one to hunt us for so long, and the only one we’ve spoken with. Of course it’s him. _

In record time, Radar arrived. He’d been anticipating this, somehow. Tom wasn’t particularly well-versed in the world of Capes; he’d only just recently discovered that there were people known as ‘precogs’, who were almost definitely responsible for Radar’s actions being so well prepared.

“Chimera,” the man said. The secretary seemed to question what she’d heard, like the idea of this polite, quiet man being  _ the _ Chimera was unthinkable. Tom knew he was seen as a monster, but he never got used to the treatment.

“Radar.” He turned to face the man and began walking in that direction, before a hand was raised, ordering him to stop. He complied, not needing to stain his record even further.

“We’re going outside. To the roof.” After a moment, he nodded, and flew out of the building, Radar close behind. Once they were both out in the fresh air, they went up to the very top, floating rather than standing or sitting. “You’re welcome.”

“I am?”

“This is for your benefit, me letting you discuss this here. You can thank Pythia yourself, should this go over well. She seems to think it will, and that combined with our brief chat is the only reason I’m giving you this  _ very _ fragile opportunity. Do not squander it.”

“Right. Then, we’re out here so I have the chance to run if things don’t go well?”

“At the very least, I’m guessing that’s the feeling you’re supposed to get. If things come to that, though, know that I won’t stop chasing you until you’re caught - I don’t care how strong of a Stranger you are. Pythia may have faith in her visions, but even if she’s right about you, you’ve got a long way to go before you’re ready to join the team. You’re brutal and unpredictable, and it’s going to take ages before you’re safe for the public.”

“I agree.” Despite a fairly decent poker face and even better composure, it was still clear in Radar’s body language that the statement had thrown him off at least somewhat. “A friend of mine convinced me to get help from you and your team. I’m tired of hurting people, and running away, and I’ve done enough to hinder the Red Iron that I’m ready to take a break from public heroism.”

“What is it with you and them, anyways?”  _ Not giving up the pressure, it seems. _ “Why are you so committed to seeing them shut down?”

“I can’t say.”

“You’re going to have to.”

“No, I.. I don’t know why.”

“Nearly two years of endless persistence and you expect me to believe there’s no  _ motive _ behind that?”

“You-” He gripped his hand into a tight ball, trying to avoid the dissociative haze that was rapidly approaching.  _ Not now. _ Through gritted teeth, he continued. “There is a motive, but I don’t know it. My actions are not entirely my own.”

“Then you work for someone?” The man seemed completely unphased by what Tom assumed would come off as attempts to intimidate through aggression.

“No.”

“Then I’m going to insist that you explain everything.” Despite already planning on doing that, Tom didn’t push the point. Hopefully, if nothing else, the other members of the team were less annoying.

“Well, as I said a moment ago, I’m aiming to get help. In the same way as you not choosing to deal with cancer, I didn’t choose to be this.. unstable. More specifically, I didn’t choose to have powers at  _ all, _ and would really prefer if I had never gotten them, but.. we live with the cards we’re dealt, or however that saying goes.”

“And your cards are..?”

“I..” He paused, just in case any of the others had any last minute objections to make, but his mind was as silent as could be. Even though just a minute ago he was having to fight off Fishbone, it seemed he was now alone. The decision was still his own to make. “I have dissociative identity disorder. Most of the times you’ve seen me on the field have not been..  _ me.” _ Radar stared through, reading his words - things clicking together.

“Then you mean to claim that the fiendish, fire-slinging lunatic that you’ve been known to be is just some.. evil personality?”

“He’s not evil. Believe me, he’s not. He’s hurting-”

“Yes, he’s  _ hurting _ lots of people, quite regularly.” Frustrated, but not willing to ruin this, Tom grit his teeth again and took a deep breath.

“The only people he has ever hurt are members of the Red Iron, or other equally awful villains. If you had been put through indescribable pain by people who hand out trauma for a living, you’d be pissed too. It’s not-” He groaned. “It’s not his fault. He’s angry and has the power to fight back against some of the people who ruined his life. If anything, you should be thankful he never attacked..” Just the thought of them brought back the haze - the pain and cruelty and..  _ Deep breath. _ “He hasn’t harmed our family, despite what they did to us.”

“So I’m supposed to willingly accept him as a hero just because he  _ held back _ on torching civilians?”

“No, just-” Fists tight, teeth clenched -  _ so fucking annoying. _ “Can you stop trying to tear apart every single thing I say? I’m not a fucking mustache twirling villain, I’m not some freak going out of my way to hurt people or trick you or whatever other twisted fantasy you have of me. We’re people, we’re just fucking people, and- and they  _ deserved _ it, the murderous fucking- the-”

* * *

“Maybe,” Fishbone yelled, floating closer to the supposed ‘superhero’, hands warming up just in case, “you should  _ fuck off. _ We come to you, we trust this huge fucking thing to you, and you just sit there and tear tear tear tear  _ tear _ at our fucking words, like we’re your little psych assignment. The people who tortured us, the people who made us  _ trigger, _ do not deserve to be given the ground to keep hurting people. I’m the only fucking one who’s done anything to stop them, I’m the only one willing to put in the work, and if that makes me a  _ villain _ then fucking jail me.”

“I take it, then,” Radar said, unwilling to even remotely back down, “that you won’t be letting me speak with the other one? I liked him better.”

“Will you shut the fuck up for once in your worthless life? You want to get fucking burned?” His hands lit to emphasize the severity of the situation. The stupid asshole just stayed put and studied him,  _ begging  _ to be put in his place.

“You wouldn’t.” His words seemed to be just as much of a surprise to the both of them.

“Yes I fucking would.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” He drifted slightly towards Fishbone, letting his guard down in every conceivable way. “I’d like to offer up my apologies. It’s my job to be thorough, and with your track record.. Let’s just say I’m pleasantly surprised to find that there wasn’t even a shred of sincerity to your threat.”

“What the fuck would you know?”

“Mm, you don’t know my power?” He tilted his head, just slightly.

“No, I- Guh, shut up!” Noticing he’d begun to let his pressure slip, he reignited his hands at full force and drifted away from the shithead. “Stay the fuck away from me, I don’t want your cancer shit. This is that, right? You’re trying to fucking infect me? I won’t fucking let you. Ten feet at all times.”

“Fine by me.” Radar held his own hands up in surrender, but there was something else in his body language that-  _ He’s fucking with me, he’s trying to trick us. _ “At this point, I’m just interested in helping you all integrate into the team.”

_ “Integrate?” _ Fishbone growled. “What, being fucking clever? You think you’re a sneaky, high-wit kind of guy? I’m not fucking stupid.”

“I can see that was a poor choice of words, though I don’t know how. Care to inform me? If not, I’d be more than willing to talk to the other one.”

_ “You _ don’t get to decide who you’re talking to! If you don’t want to deal with me, you think I’m fucking toxic or crazy or - what was it - brutal? Then you can fuck off. I’m not letting you fuck us over, you’ll have to go through me if you want to hurt us.” Seemingly as frustrated as Fishbone was, now, Radar gave a heavy sigh.

“I have no intention of hurting you. While your methods are extreme and far too dangerous to be allowed to continue, I know now that you are worthy of a second chance.”

“Hah, you know that  _ now?  _ Do you have any idea how many fucking chances we deserve? How many fuck ups we’ve earned? And yet, despite all the shit we’ve been through, I only hurt the  _ bad _ fuckers in this shithole of a city. To say I’ve used up my ‘first’ chance when tons of fuckers like me end up like Hush or the Slaughterhouse Nine or any of that fucking shit, to imply that I’m some  _ monster _ who you’re willing to let  _ attempt _ to be a good person- God, you fucking heroes don’t  _ get it _ at fucking  _ all!” _

“Consider this a polite request to stop twisting my words into something you can be angry about. I understand now what’s going on with you, and why Pythia was so insistent on this meeting happening on the roof. The goal, which I now agree with, is to let you feel safe enough to open up.”

“Well good fucking luck with that. If you think I’m going to-” His flame and his grip faltered. Fist and reality loosened, swaying out of reach, falling further and further away. “No, I.. If you think I’m.. Muh....therfucker..”

* * *

“Apologies.” With a hefty sigh, Athene adjusted her postured and drifted down to allow her feet something to touch. Floating around in this case did nothing but waste energy and push dick comparisons down observer’s throats. Not that anyone was there to spectate. She reached a hand out to Radar, who gladly shook it. “This is probably all quite alarming.”

“Somewhat,” he said between two exasperated breaths, “but I’m adjusting quickly.” A smile crept up on his face, though it didn’t really fit there; the lines bent all wrong, like he’d never done the action before in his entire life. It was an attempt, at least. “I take it you’re willing to be civil?”

“Oh, believe me, I insist. Again, I’m very sorry about- Guh.” All the activity - switching and communication and everything - had lead to a fairly awful headache. The irony of her being so vulnerable to such things despite being able to conjure an impenetrable forcefield was not lost on her, even if it wasn’t particularly appreciated. “Fishbone is like that.”

“Fishbone?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Fishbone. Don’t ask, please.” He didn’t, acknowledging the request with a nod. “I’m Athene.”

“Radar, as you already know.”

“Yes, I know quite a bit about you. Or, well, probably not as much as that would imply, but still more than the others do. In honesty, I wasn’t exactly  _ excited _ for this whole thing - and I’m still not - but I’m not going to throw away this opportunity, or let Fishbone throw it away for us. Sorry, again, for him.”

“No need, I-” He cut himself off, reevaluating his statement. “I was going to say I understand, but I don’t, admittedly.”

“Mm.. I’m not sure there’s anyone unlike us who really understands, so don’t beat yourself up over it.” As the sentiment settled, she looked over their arms, making note of a new scratch. “I wish they weren’t so careless about handling our civilian identity. Just because they don’t care, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to be able to maintain my ability to walk amongst the public without drawing unnecessary attention..” She sighed. “If nothing else, it’s a bit unprofessional to show up to this without a costume, I’d think.”

“You’d be surprised. That said, I was somewhat off-put by you not wearing your usual garb, given how..” He paused to consider his words. “How  _ notorious _ you are.”

“Right.” Despite how hard he was obviously trying, he was pretty awful at being delicate. “Here, how about we go inside? It’s cold, our identity is dangerously exposed, and even if you do try to trap us, I can’t be so easily contained.”

“Fair enough.” Wordlessly, he led the way. Rather than going through the main entrance, they came in through a back door that required a couple security checks to pass through. Why they would go to all the trouble when the front was relatively unguarded, and there were all sorts of ways to bypass it, Athene couldn’t say. To hold on to memories of the way things used to be, maybe.

Once inside, she found herself in a particularly poorly lit room. A few moments later, Radar opened up a latch which brought light shining in, exposing it as an underwhelmingly average storage room. The reason for the extra security was made clear when they entered the  _ next _ room, which appeared to be his office. He’d gotten a  _ secret entrance _ installed, which was just a touch too over the top for Athene’s tastes. It must not have been too secret, either, if he was letting her see it. Or, just as possibly, he knew it didn’t matter given her power.

“So..” she said as they both took a seat - him behind his desk, and her effectively a guest.

“Yes, so..” He adjusted himself in the chair, resting his weight on the wood in what looked like necessity rather than just a lazy habit. “So. You’re looking to get help from us? What exactly would that entail?”

“Realistically, I think having a better therapist would be sufficient. The one we have now is.. well, she’s trying her best, but she’s not really trained for this. I’ve done plenty of research, and while there may be something we simply can’t predict due to the nature of powers, we  _ should _ be able to manage switches, and thusly power usage quite efficiently with time.”

“Right, so just to confirm, you have different powers for each..” He fumbled for the word that would cause the least harm.

“Alter,” Athene inputted, saving him the trouble. “Yes, we all have flight and something else.”

“Jesus, then there’s  _ five _ of you?” He seemed to regret his words immediately. “Er, sorry, that was meant more sympathetically than it came off. That just sounds.. awful. Really awful.”

“It is what it is. I’ve had decades to cope with it, so I don’t particularly mind anymore.” Though mostly correct, it did still drag on her somewhat, being the only ‘guardian’ of the bunch. “For the record, five is a somewhat small number when it comes to DID. And, for that matter, there may be more.”

“You mean you don’t know?”

“Not exactly, no. I  _ think _ there’s five of us and five powers - shade, shield, flame, fear, and..  _ beast, _ though I hesitate to use the word. But, no, I have no way of knowing if there aren’t others I’m simply unaware of.”

“And you’re used to that uncertainty?”

“Mostly, yes.”

“Well, consider me impressed. Really. I can’t believe I’m saying this when ten minutes ago I was still set on throwing you in jail, but once- What was it, Fishbone?” She nodded, but he started talking before she even got halfway through the action. “Right, once Fishbone is taken out of the picture, I could see you all being a very effective hero.”

“..What?” Any and all levity was stripped from the situation at the suggestion. Despite his faux pas, he had the gall to be surprised at  _ her _ shock. “That’s not how it works, and I don’t appreciate the insinuation that he’s something to be  _ dealt _ with.”

“Ah, I didn’t realize, I figured-”

“Yeah, no, you basically suggested that we shoot my brother,” she spat. Of course he’d think they were at each other’s throats - where would he have gotten any other idea? Even with how far the world had come, media presentation was terrible. “Which, for the record, isn’t even possible.”

“Mm.” If nothing else, he seemed to be taking things seriously now. “My bad.”

“I’m willing to let it slide, since it was clearly a statement made in ignorance rather than malice, but you’d do best to stop making decisions and keep asking questions. Also to stop treating any of us as ‘lesser’ than the others. Both in terms of existence, and in terms of worthiness to live.”

“..Right.” He nodded. “My bad.” Tensions remained high for a little while longer before Athene realized she was going to have to be the one to cut it, despite not being the reason it was there in the first place. She let out a deep, exaggerated sigh, and forced her posture to loosen up enough to convey the message she wanted.

“Anyways,” she said. “The ideal course of action is we get a therapist who can help him and the others work through their.. various issues. At the face of this, they’re just people who’ve been through immense pain.”

“Just them?”

“Mm, well..”  _ How to explain this in a way that won’t alienate us..  _ “I don’t feel things in the same thing as most people. While I am quite intimate with the trauma we’ve gone through, I don’t have much emotional response to it, or anything, out of necessity. As such, I would be more of a mediator for recovery than in need of it myself.”

“Right, okay.” It was hard to tell, but he didn’t  _ seem _ to be going down the ‘sociopath’ train of thought, which was typically quite hard to get people out of. Given his propensity for lie detection, though, it might not have been an issue if it had come to that. “Well, we can absolutely get you someone trained for.. all of this. Getting Fishbone to a good spot sounds beneficial for all, and if it is how you say,” he said, despite knowing she wasn’t lying, “then you all could prove to be invaluable members of the Remure Protectorate.”

“Wonderful. I’m sure Tom will be very happy to hear that.”  _ Are you there? _ There wasn’t any response. He, as the host, was never great at maneuvering their headspace, or interacting with anyone at all when he wasn’t fronting. “Mm, so, with that out of the way, how much do you  _ know _ about DID? Not what you’ve heard in movies or books; how much have you studied?”

“Well, first off, we aren’t even close to done. There’s still a significant amount of paperwork you’re going to have to do, but.. Sure, we can discuss something else for now.” He leaned back in his chair, a groan escaping him without much resistance. “Admittedly, I can’t say I know much other than its validity as an existing thing. I have no idea how people can still be debating that fact when it’s been a part of the DSM for decades.”

“That’s better than a lot of people, at least.” Athene adjusted her own positioning, since she’d started to return to tension. “Basically, everyone’s somewhat of a system early on in life. Children are very disconnected, and their identity is incredibly loose, and normally that goes away over time; the various pieces come together to form a normal, usual person. With the introduction of repeated trauma in young childhood, and a lack of a healthy caregiver relationship, this process can sometimes be foregone in favor of keeping the body safe.

“Those pieces, then, develop into their own people; into what’s known as an alter. There’s this misconception, that I think you had as well, that the host - the one who manages day to day life - is the only..  _ real _ alter. Or, worse, that they aren’t an alter at all, but simply the ‘original’. Think of it like a bowl: If a bowl shatters, are any of the pieces more ‘real’ than the others? This isn’t a perfect analogy, given the parts were never quite stuck together in the first place, but it’s good enough.” Within a moment of her finishing the rant, he was talking.

“That’s very interesting, I won’t lie.” It was somewhat uncanny how well he could tell the exact moment she was done talking, but the skill was certainly nice from an efficiency standpoint.

“I would be inclined to agree. As you probably guessed, there’s quite a bit more to it than I can fit in one night’s discussion, but that’s.. some amount of the basic idea. Perhaps I can explain it in further depth to all of the Protectorate once we’re properly a part of it. It’d be best for everyone to be aware of what’s going on, I think.”

“As do I.” It really was remarkable how significantly his demeanor had shifted in such a short amount of time. Athene couldn’t help but wonder just  _ how _ much hatred had been redirected from all of them to just Fishbone, and whether or not Radar would actually ever be able to forgive Fishbone. When she looked at him, there was none of the rage she’d seen not too long ago, but that didn’t mean it was now absent.

“Then..” she said, trying to distract herself from the very unhelpful paranoia.  _ This is for Tom.  _ “Now what?”

“Now..” He trailed off, considering the best course of action. “We really should discuss how I should be addressing you all.”

* * *

“Aggregate,” the therapist recited. He didn’t seem to vibe with the name much, which made some amount of sense due to him not usually working with capes. “I hope you don’t mind if I just stick to Tom, or Athene, or the name of whoever else is out?”

“No, that’s fine.” Tom could hardly believe this was happening. It  _ was _ what he’d wanted, but it was so outside what he’d thought to be the realm of possibility for a very long time. As the host of a system, he was at least  _ somewhat  _ adjusted to the feeling of having no idea what was happening, but it still felt like a closer to a dream than reality. Of course, part of that might’ve been the dissociation.

“Good, I’m glad.” It was clear he felt as out of place in this environment as they did, albeit for completely different reasons. “It  _ is _ Tom, correct?”

“Yes.” Never in his entire life had someone actually asked him that, which was fairly bizarre to think about. How must it have felt to have people, even people you knew, talk to you as if you were somebody else? “Right, yes, it’s me.”

“Nice to meet you, Tom.” The man held out his hand over the gap between the two chairs, and Tom shook it. “I’m Jeffrey.” He sat back in his chair, and let out a long sigh. “You’re wanting to be treated enough to safely participate in Protectorate activities in just a few months?” The way he said it made it sound like it was some goofy summer camp thing, rather than life or death superheroism.

“That is the goal, yes.”

“Alright..” The idea clearly bothered him. “I’ll do my best, but this is going to require a lot of work on your parts. Full cooperation from every alter.”

“Understood.”

“I hope so. It’s important that you realize that focusing on immediate productivity may make long term recovery harder. It could even result in the appearance of another alter, since this will require a lot of facing and accepting trauma, which is a highly volatile thing to do with a deadline. Rushing this process is technically possible, and something I am  _ very tentatively _ willing to do, but I can’t personally advise it in good conscience.”

“Ah..” Tom shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Well, while I hadn’t considered that, I still think it’s for the best. Besides, the introduction of someone new could mean we get more powers in our arsenal, which could help keep us alive.”

“I..” He sighed. “I suppose. Again, if you’re willing to do this, I’m willing to help, it’s just important to me that you understand the risks.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t important. The longer it takes, the less we can help. I’m not allowed to know about Pythia’s predictions, yet, but I don’t think Radar would’ve been so eager to bring us on board if there wasn’t something big coming. There’s an Endbringer strike due for around two months from now, wherever that’ll be, and apparently a very threatening duo called the Ascendants are planning on attacking Remure. I can’t say much more than that, but you get the idea. The sooner we can get to a point where we can safely fight, the better.”

“What’s better for the city might not be what’s best for  _ you, _ but.. While I’m here to focus on your wellbeing, I guess I’ll just have to live with the fact that your nature as a hero calls for sacrifices.” As necessary as it was to get someone who knew how to work with DID patients, Tom couldn’t help but be frustrated with the reality that he could only have that  _ or _ someone used to working with capes. In many cases, it seemed like he was being punished  _ for _ having suffered so much in his life; that the world was designed to compound pain upon the hurt.

“Life can be cruel like that, I’m sure you’re well aware. I can’t imagine people like us - systems - share particularly happy life stories.”

“No, they do not.” At least Tom could know that the solemn look on Jeffrey’s face was genuine, and that real work was going to be done.

“So, let's get started?”

“Sure, though if we're doing this as quickly as possible, we should aim to bring someone else to the front. Athene or..  _ Fishbone,  _ I believe?

“Sally's also around, but she doesn't front often. Then there's the unnamed one, but.. Well, it'd be best if they don't show up, and they probably won’t. If they do, I mean.. It’s good this room is so big. And, if Sally shows up, just.. keep your distance? No hugs.”

“Alright.” He was a bit less freaked out than Tom was expecting, but still seemed somewhat distressed. “Well, whoever wants to come out is welcome, and.. I’ll keep that all in mind. Do you have any positive triggers that you know of?”

“Mm, not exactly, but I can usually get Athene to come to the front if I think about her a lot.”

“That sounds good. Whenever you’re ready.”

_ Am I ever ready? I’ve gone through this my entire life, but didn’t even know about it until the trigger. Is two years- has it been two years already? Is two years enough time that I should just be used to this already? That I should be prepared for these blackouts? Or, well, they aren’t entirely blackouts anymore, not with everyone. With everyone but Athene, I have no recollection, but there’s a foggy sense of what happened when she’s around, sometimes. _

_ Do you do that for me, Athene? Is that because you trust me to handle it, now? Because we’ve gotten closer, albeit not significantly, and you’re open with me knowing these.. many things? Not the serious, traumatic things, obviously, but.. We know each other better than a few years back, or at least I know you better. I’m sure you knew all about me all along, but.. Oof. _

The wave of dissociation hit, swaying him and his thoughts just so slightly out of place. She was coming, as he’d hoped, and it was only a matter of time. Would he be able to remember these moments in therapy? Would it really just be someone else doing putting in the effort  _ for _ him to make him a better person? And, god, he really should’ve stopped thinking of the system as ‘him’, or ‘his’. Hopefully with time he’d get used to that, but there was some worry of-

* * *

“Mm,” she grunted, squinting at the lighting. In not too long, she was adjusted. “Hello, it’s Athene. Let’s get to work, we’ve got a lot to do.”


End file.
